Of Corridors and Moonlight
by momentofbored
Summary: COMPLETED. The fourth of four vignettes now up: Severus pays a visit to Lily just before her death. The story spans from their final year at Hogwarts till the August before James and Lily's death... Angst and sexual tension abound throughout! SSLE
1. Vignette 1: Of Moonlight

-Snape's POV-

I glance toward Slughorn, hoping I appear casual as I pretend to look at him and not at the smiling girl at his side. I sharply avert my gaze as she shifts, causing the light to bring out the exquisite gold undertones in her hair before she laughs, the sound pure and unaffected over the banal chattering covering the rest of the room.

"But Professor," I can hear her protest archly as I pretend to be absorbed in a Butterbeer, "If I'm not well-rested how can I hope to lead my house in the quest for the House Cup against the enormous and indisputable power of Slytherin?"

He actually _guffaws_, causing my opinion of him to sink further just when I'd thought that this was impossible before he retorts, "Ah, but Miss Evans! This conflict of interest would cease to exist if you'd simply accept your destiny and come to Slytherin-"

She laughs again, warmly. "Perhaps you'll lay ahold of my children, professor."

He nods in an obnoxiously certain way, offering a smile of his own. "Be sure of it, Lily." He gazes at her more sharply before adding, "And in the future, I think it will be best if you call me Horace."

I glare at them in a mixture of disgust and envy, but suddenly her eyes flash toward where I stand in the corner, landing somewhere millimeters to my left, a thin eyebrow arching slightly before she turns and walks out of the room amid continued protestations from Slughorn and the majority of the other students there, all of whom seem to have wanted to talk to her more before the evening's end.

She's gracious about the cries, but effectively ignores them as she steps through the doorway, again increasing my respect of her, respect I'd sooner die than confess to anyone.

No one notices when I follow her a minute later.

I wonder sometimes if she's not responsible for my being invited to these gatherings at all, despite my aptitude in Slughorn's subject of choice. He took no notice of me whatsoever except for to occasionally praise a potion I'd brewed until one day in April of our fifth year when he approached me in the middle of class and, with customary bluster, invited me to his next gathering. Nothing seemed amiss until the end of his speech, at which point he shot a pointed glance at Lily, who looked down at her nails in a way reminiscent of Dumbledore, acting for all the world like she had no idea what was going on. For a painful month I feared that puffball of a professor was trying to play matchmaker, but it soon became obvious that he could care less if I lived or died, leaving me perplexed about why I continued to be invited- and about why I continued to come.

I blink at the darkness of the corridor before seeing Lily paused at the end of it, gazing intently at a portrait. I take a moment, before she realizes that I'm there, to really look at her, to wonder for the hundredth time why she even bothers with this when I've done nothing but discourage her- I used to suspect that she had a long-term plan, was using me to some end or wanted something, even that she was planning to humiliate me with the help of her fellow Gryffindors- but it's been a long time and she's never asked for anything, used me, mocked me, or hurt me- and that's more than I can say for anyone else at this godforsaken place. I can't wait to get the hell out of here- except for that being out of here means not seeing Lily ever again, and that's the best case scenario, since if I meet her outside of Hogwarts it will be as enemies, glaring and despising the other person and everything they stand for, at least externally- and that's another best case scenario.

I don't like to think of the worst case.

But tonight we're still just students, and I start walking again, unsurprised when she hears me almost immediately and starts to walk, more slowly than usual, toward the main staircase.

I follow closely behind her, waiting for her to speak, regretting, not for the first time, the self-imposed regulations that now govern these… _interactions _such as they are, even though they're primarily of my creation.

We do not directly address one another or outright acknowledge that we have heard the other person speak. We do not make eye contact. We do not, under ANY circumstances, touch.

We always leave one another before the rest of Slughorn's party breaks up.

It was the beginning of sixth year when I noticed that Lily and I always left Slughorn's events at around the same time, an hour or so before anyone else, traveling the hallways toward our common rooms in close and silent proximity. When it happened for the fifth time I had opened my mouth to accuse her of following me and to demand what the hell a mudblood like her meant by it before I realized, to my great confusion, that I was the one following her.

Of course, it's been a long time since I've been able to think of her as a mudblood now.

I'm not sure who I hate more for that- her or myself.

It was after the winter holidays that year that she started talking as we walked. At first she had the gall to actually try to make conversation, but if there's one thing I've perfected over the years it's the art of stoic silence. Eventually she started to make statements, initially annoying me even more- her presumption that I would care about her petty thoughts struck me as somehow inappropriate, if not downright insane- but despite that, and my own misgivings, I couldn't help but listen to her. She's easy to listen to, but I'd rather die than admit that, either.

Ironically, I'm pretty sure it came as a bigger surprise to me than to her when I finally started to make statements of my own back at her. I think it was the night she was babbling about the Polyjuice potion she wanted to make the next day, leaving out a crucial ingredient as she described her plans. I know everyone around here thinks I'm a malicious evil bastard, but not even I was prepared to let a fellow student blow up because they forgot the milkweed.

It didn't occur to me until months later that she had probably misquoted the directions on purpose to get a reaction.

It should have made me hate her. Somehow it just increased her appeal.

Exchanging statements back and forth ought to have been ridiculously awkward at first, but somehow it wasn't- half because we were both so freakishly good at it and half because she seemed to take it all in stride, as though it was what she had anticipated all along and all she wanted or expected in the world was this bizarre interchange. I should probably have hated her for that, too.

That's the thing about Lily Evans. She's so goddamned difficult to hate.

At the beginning of this year that she started to sit on the main stairs once we'd reached them instead of turning left immediately. I wondered fleetingly what she'd do if I continued on my way- whether she'd keep talking to the air or turn left toward the Gryffindor common room- but somehow, amusing as the experiment would have been, I had no real desire to find out.

That's the other thing I'll never admit to anyone- I enjoy her company enormously, far more than is appropriate or safe or prudent. It's the whole reason I won't speak to her directly, twisted as that probably sounds- if I did, I would like it. And it's dangerous to like things, especially when they're just going to vanish. It's the story of my life. No need for these interactions to cause me more long-term pain than necessary.

I don't know if she understands, but she doesn't push. She never did.

And I can't hate her.

We reach the main stairs now and sit down silently, facing definitively away from each other. I wonder sometimes what we would look like to a passerby- they would probably think we were two strangers reciting separate monologues or something equally laughable. Somehow, though, no one ever passes while we're speaking, a fact for which I'm sure that she, despite her accepting, all loving, FOOLISH Gryffindor attitude, is nearly as grateful as I am, especially since she's been dating-

"I guess that was Slughorn's last party this year," her voice rings out softly in the deserted hall, and I fire back my agreement without directly acknowledging what she's said with the lazy ease of someone who has done this many times before.

"I'm glad to finally be done with Slughorn's fiascos of parties."

Out of the corner of my eye I see her eyebrow arch lazily and know that, if this was a normal conversation, she'd be asking me teasingly why on earth I continued to come if I really felt that way- but this isn't a normal conversation and she plays admirably by the rules, shifting slightly as she replies softly, "I'll miss Hogwarts in general."

It hits me like a punch in the gut as her voice echoes down the corridor that THIS is why I ultimately continued to come the god-forsaken parties- just to hear that voice, gentler than a caress in the darkness- and I quickly add it to my unacceptably long list of things to never tell anyone.

"I'm ready to move on and see the world," I state firmly, my voice echoing much more loudly than hers, and I flinch at my angry tone as bitter memories crash around me and I wonder if she'll mistakenly think the anger is directed at her-

But she evidently doesn't as she fires back somberly, "I'm sorry that not everyone's time here was as good as mine." She hesitates, and I know without looking that she's biting the corner of her lip nervously before continuing slowly, "I went to the first Aurors orientation session yesterday. I was-" she hesitates again and it would be comical how valiantly she's trying to say the right thing if I didn't know what was coming, if I could ignore the undertones of hurt and confusion in her voice. "I was _disappointed" _she continues, placing just enough emphasis on the word to make it noticeable without making it an accusation, before pausing again. "I was of the impression that a fourth person in our year had undertaken the coursework necessary for-"

If she were anyone else I probably would have taken some perverse satisfaction from watching her continue to struggle, but she's Lily and somehow that changes things. "I initially hoped to become an Auror," I interrupt her, "but in light of certain-" and I'm glad she can't see me flush as now _I'm_ trying to find the right words to tell her, of all people, what I plan to do, "recent opportunities that have presented themselves, I've decided on a different course of action." I feel her shoot a dubious, slightly disappointed glance at me before looking quickly away, and I know she's understood my full meaning as clearly as if I'd shouted I'M ON TEAM VOLDEMORT. I flinch, wondering fleetingly why I feel like I owe her any kind of an explanation at all before I continue, "Other houses fail to realize how deeply entrenched anti-Slytherin prejudice is outside Hogwarts. I'm- no one-" I fight back a growl of frustration before I state, not knowing how to convey to someone like her what it's like to be without connections and friendless, hated by nearly everyone, "I need to make my way alone, and there's no future for me within the ministry."

The air is thick and I can almost feel her struggle, know that she can't understand and I can't make her, despite the fact that she wants to, know that she wants to talk to me about it and is fighting to find the words to do so without directly acknowledging me or what I've said. I've decided that she's not going to reply when she sighs and nods slowly.

"I'm not _impressed_ by most of my peers," she states firmly, and I can feel myself frown as I'm temporarily oblivious as to where she's going with this. "It hurts me _unimaginably_ to think that any of those who have managed to gain my loyalty and respect would," she gulps and I fight the urge to turn toward her as she continues, "would use their _innumerable_ talents to help a person so unworthy of them." There is a miniscule pause before she says with strength, certainty and more venom than I'd thought she had in her, "Voldemort is not WORTHY of anyone extraordinary. He is not WORTHY of my friends."

_Friends. _I find myself uncomfortably caught between 50 different emotions and reactions, strongest of which are the immediate and competing urges to lie and cruelly tell her she isn't my friend and she's a fool to think she is, that I hate her and all that she stands for, to hex her for daring to say the Dark Lord's name, and to throw myself at her and beg her to forgive me for- well, _everything_, both for how I've treated her and for what I know I'll do later. Much as I try to fight it, though, what I am more than anything is touched and shaken by her high opinion of me and by what I need to do despite this- but somehow I manage to say coldly, almost as though I didn't hear her,

"We all must decide for ourselves who and what is worthy."

"We all must choose for ourselves what to believe," she agrees readily. "I only wonder if we're all honest with ourselves about what that is, especially when it's easier to lie." She pauses again before saying carefully, "Hate is not a valid method of life. It is not fulfilling, it is NOT empowering. I will NEVER believe that anyone who I care about doesn't realize that, however hard they try to hide it from themselves. Those who have been promised power by _Voldemort_," she continues, spitting his name like it's a curse, "are being lied to. He doesn't care about them. He will NOT reward them. They're just his killing machines." She pauses, and I feel rather than see her shaking before she hisses, "They're no more than his_ bitches_ and anyone with any sense who stopped to really think about it would agree with me."

Some vague corner of my mind registers the fact that if I were a halfway competent follower of the Dark Lord I would be hexing her into oblivion by now without remorse, laughing coldly as she writhed on the floor in pain until she was too scared to ever speak again, but somehow I'm just exhausted, wishing I could make her understand things I know she can't, life in Slytherin, what it is to be a half-blood in the current political climate, how my best chance of survival and success is to be branded with the dark mark and have done with it, that power means something different to her than to me- but she interrupts my reverie to continue, voice shaking slightly,

"I wonder sometimes how many people in this school truly believe that I deserve to be killed."

And it comes as another blow that not only do I not believe that, but that she's right and I _should_, or anyway I'll be expected to- I'd realized it before, but somehow it's different to hear it put that way, to hear her voice say it- _deserve to be killed_- and I hope again that I never see her after Hogwarts, not because I won't want to, but because of what I'll probably need to do if I encounter her.

I register the terrible, painful pause that is stretching between us and my mind reels as I try to think of a way to tell her I do hope for her safety without directly saying it- and it comes to me with a grimace as I bite out, "I've heard that two of the Gryffindors in our year are now engaged to be married. Much as I believe the girl in question could do better," I hiss, voice dripping with barely concealed hatred of Potter, "I've been hoping to find an opportunity to wish her a LONG, healthy, and happy life with her unworthy-"

And to my surprise I'm cut off by a disbelieving, sharp snort. "Some ridiculous third year started a ridiculous rumor that James and I are engaged. We're not."

I fight the urge to look at her, to say the words 'you're NOT?'

"I'm young for that kind of thing," she says lightly, as though she'd heard the unspoken question before continuing "Anyway. I've been meaning to ask my friends what they're going to be up to this summer."

_Friends._ I swallow uneasily, fighting against showing any emotion as I realize that the words 'I'll be training as a death eater' are grossly inappropriate and offer a half-truth. "I'm apprenticing with a curse-breaker in Egypt."

No real need for her to know that's just a way to pass the days before nights of instruction and brutality.

I see her smile and she says carefully, voice warm and kinder than I deserve, "I- really, really admire- people- so much sometimes." She looks upward at the enchanted ceiling that shows a clear, cloudless night before smiling just a bit mischievously, and when she speaks again her voice is full of teasing and laughter. "I'm not tired."

I blink in brief confusion before she lowers her voice, whispering confidentially, "It's been my secret dream for the past seven years to go swimming in the lake at night."

The invitation could not be clearer, nor the fact that she doesn't expect me to take her up on it as she hesitates for a fraction of a second, smiling in my general direction before walking toward a little- known side door that will lead her out into the idyllic May night.

Sometimes, right before I go to sleep, I marvel at the irony that, in my seven years at Hogwarts, the closest thing to an actual friend that I've had is a Gryffindor muggle-born whose existence I usually try not to acknowledge and who I've never had a traditional conversation with.

I slip out the door and into the night, hardly believing that I'm following her as it shudders shut behind me with a groan.

---

-Lily's POV-

I know he's not gonna follow me and I know I shouldn't care, but, I mean, he's Severus. And that changes things.

I expel a frustrated breath and try not to be angry with myself over things I can't change, the fact that I'd been too cowardly to whisper 'goodbye Severus," despite the whole bullshit 'we don't talk to each other directly' thing. God. I didn't even have the guts to give him the Felix Felicis potion I LABORED over face to face- I had to resort to pretending to bump into him at the beginning of Slughorn's party to drop it into his pocket only to be terrified all night that he was going to find it or feel it or whatever.

But I know he never really puts his hands in his pockets.

It really frustrates me a lot, how badly I've screwed things up with Severus. I try to tell myself that I did all I could to be his friend, but I know that's bullshit. He's difficult and all, but he's not heartless or cold, whatever people say.

I should have tried harder.

I just don't get where he gets this whole 'evil' reputation. I've never heard bigger lies. He's only evil where evil is a synonym for BRILLIANT. It's not like it's a crime to know about the dark arts, and you'd be an asshole too if everyone you met treated you like shit for no reason whatsoever. God it pisses me off. No one that brilliant and fundamentally kind should need to be so lonely. Of course it's going to lead to bad things and so yeah, okay, he's turning to places he shouldn't now and there's SO much emotion inside him- why is everyone so cruel? It's just their weakness.

I should have tried harder.

But I guess I'm weak too, in my own way.

We ARE friends, though. Even if we can't be in the normal way.

Goddamn. He deserves it in the normal way.

I yelled at Slughorn for never inviting him to his parties toward the end of fifth year. Of all the bullshit- it's not like Severus hasn't always been at the top of our class, especially in DDA and Potions. I mean, sure, he does experiment more than he should during class, but it always leads to brilliance eventually- and that's not even mentioning all the non-verbal spells he comes up with in his free time-

God. Voldemort doesn't deserve that.

Voldemort doesn't deserve HIM.

Anyway. I yelled at Slughorn and he smiled in that maddening way that he has and made some joke about how I was free to invite whoever I liked to accompany me.

I'm pretty sure it was the only time EVER that I couldn't think of a snappy retort to throw back at him, but it worked out okay. I think my silence struck him more than any snappy retort could have, and Severus started to come to the parties.

I don't know what I really hoped for- it seems so silly, NOW, that I thought he and I would end up laughing at someone else's joke and our eyes would meet or something and all old grudges would be forgotten. He distanced himself immediately at the parties and I wondered why he even bothered to come.

I didn't plan to walk back with him. Anyway, not the first time. It was totally an accident.

And then it wasn't anymore, exactly.

I got ahold of myself, though, once this had happened repeatedly and neither of us had spoken. It was just getting ridiculous, and I left the next party before him.

I almost laughed with joy when I realized he was right behind me.

God. It really makes no sense that I think so highly of him. Not really. It's not that I feel sorry for him. I never did. The first time I managed to get him to talk to me- or I guess, really, AT me- by pretending to forget the ingredients in Polyjuice Potion, of all things, like I would make such a stupid mistake- he said, voice shaking so slightly anyone else probably would have missed it,

"I don't need pity from anyone" and I fired back too quickly for it to be untrue,

"I'd be much too scared to pity anyone more intelligent than me," and out of the very corner of my eye I saw him stifle a smile.

Of course, now that I know him better I know that he's not, really. I mean, in some ways he is, but there are a lot of things Severus just doesn't understand. He'll learn though, as soon as he's ready to let someone teach him. I wish he was ready now, but I can't make him be, so I try not to push and to help as much as I can. I don't know if it's really worked, but I've tried.

He will learn though, I know it. He's gonna be one of those old men who follows Quidditch religiously, with a wife who cooks all his meals and twenty squealing grandkids who he spoils beyond belief with potion kits. I know he will. He's too good of a person, deep down where it matters, for it not to work out for him like that.

Maybe this whole ridiculous war thing will be over by then and our grandkids will play together.

Anyway, though. He was easy to talk to. Surprisingly so. I'm not sure exactly when it crossed the line into real friendship. Maybe it was the night I was wearing the silly strappy shoes and tripped and he dived forward to catch me before I could fall, righting me more gently than I would have expected. And then- as I put a hand on his chest to steady myself I felt a little shiver race through me. It wasn't arousal, or even really attraction, but sharp, intense _awareness,_ and it was seeping through my body. Our eyes met and held and he took a small, sharp breath before we stepped apart.

After that we didn't ever touch or look at each other, in a deliberate, almost ridiculously meticulous way. I think it seemed dangerous to both of us somehow. Instinctually. I can't really explain. It's one of the few things in my life I haven't analyzed to death. I guess if I'm honest with myself I'm a little scared about the conclusions I'd need to draw. Anyhow, things were bizarrely better after that. I think it forced us to realize, somehow, that we were both just human, and for whatever reason, really enjoyed one another.

Funny, the things random moments can show us.

I guess the real turning point for me, though, was the week after my dad was attacked by death eaters. I wasn't even sure if Severus knew or cared, but I couldn't really complain. I mean, he was hilarious after the party that night. We sat on the stairs for a really long time, not looking at each other, and I spent most of it in a state of totally uncontrollable laughter- God, I really CAN'T understand what most people think of him, how they can overlook his wit along with everything else in their stupid determination to hate him. After a week of being treated like glass by my friends even after it was obvious my dad would be okay it was so wonderful to laugh and not feel guilty about it, you have no idea.

I think that night was the longest we ever spent talking, and we both jumped up at the sound of laughter down the corridor, the end of Slughorn's get-together. In our rush our eyes met for a brief moment and he said, in an intense whisper, "I was SO sorry to hear about the attacks on the muggle population a week ago," before hastily lowering his eyes and stalking toward the dungeons.

Even knowing he couldn't hear me, maybe BECAUSE I knew he wouldn't hear me, I whispered 'Thank you," before turning left toward Gryffindor.

I guess I'm going to miss talking to him a lot. I mean, I'm not stupid. After tonight we'll ignore one another totally and given a year or so we'll be enemies, fighting on opposite sides of a war. I guess in some ways it's miraculous we've had this much time- I was scared when I started to date James that he'd expect to come with me to Slughorn's, even issued a halfhearted invitation, but he just looked at me kindly and squeezed my hand, saying,

"Lil, that's your thing- I wouldn't intrude on it." I offered a feeble protest and he laughed gently. "Do you think I'm stupid, Lily? It's your time, like Quidditch practice is mine. We won't shrivel up and die because we spend a few nights a week apart." He contemplated, smiled mischievously. 'But if you wanted to steal me some dessert, that would be awesome."

I think that was the moment I realized how much I could love him. I feel a little guilty sometimes, since I wouldn't have minded him at the parties if he would have let me walk back with Severus- but then, he doesn't even know I'm friends with Severus. It's the only thing I keep from him. I mean, I love James, but he wouldn't take it well.

Neither would anyone else, I guess.

I really do hate people sometimes.

I stop abruptly, realizing I've reached the lake shore, and look upward as I kick off my shoes. The stars are swirling and glittering and I smell orchids half a second before I realize that Severus is here. For a crazy, inexplicable moment I wish that he would put his arms around me and we could look up at the sky together before I flush and try to get ahold of myself. It doesn't really work, though, because the next thing I realize is that I either need to strip in front of him or go into the water in my emerald dress robes, which, for obvious reasons, is not an option.

Fighting hard against the voice in my head telling me that James would kill me I yank the robe off in one fluid motion, barely wasting a second between hearing it hit the ground and diving cleanly into the freezing water.

I yelp despite myself as I float to the surface, feeling like the cold is slicing through me before I see Severus's incredulous, slightly amused expression in the moonlight. Despite my best efforts and the sub-human temperature of the water I burst out laughing because, come on, some things are just funny and get even funnier if they're shared with someone else. It takes me a minute to realize that he's laughing too, not the cold, derisive laughter I've too often heard him direct at others, but warm, low laughter that gives me a comfortable feeling somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and I have the courage to address him directly for the first time in over a year as I call,

"You know, it's really shockingly ungentlemanly for you to leave a witch freezing in the water all alone. I'm sure I read it in one of my mom's etiquette books somewhere. It's rule number 58." At his incredulous expression I laugh harder before taunting lightly, "What? Scared of a little cold?"

He's smirking now, but it's a kind smirk, and though he's got his laughter under control his eyes are twinkling so brightly that they rival Dumbledore's as he retorts,

"I'd say it's better to be scared than stupid."

"You think I'm stupid?" I fire back in mock-disbelief before shrugging, letting out another laugh as I say earnestly. "Oh Severus, sensible is so OVERRATED on a night like this." As an afterthought I add, "Anyway, it's warmer now."

He eyes me dubiously but he's kicking off his shoes and I feel a small thrill of anticipation as he shakes his head, doubtless at what an incredibly bad influence I am before his own robe is discarded.

He's in the water before I can enjoy the view.

Not,_ obviously_, that I would have been enjoying the view.

He grimaces as he surfaces but his reaction to the cold is admirably contained as he says briefly, meeting my eye and addressing me directly for the first time since he called me a mudblood two years ago, "Lily, I never thought you were stupid, and despite recent evidence to the contrary, my high opinion of your intelligence remains intact."

I want to talk more, now that we're actually talking, but of course this moment would come just when words just don't seem necessary. I settle for smiling impishly before splashing him enthusiastically with water, laughing at the shocked look on his face before he splashes me back.

A ridiculously giddy and juvenile water fight ensues, the end of which finds me breathless, giggling, and hanging onto his shoulders in a mad effort to prevent him from dunking me under the water. He arches an eyebrow in what I can only assume is surrender and shoots me a genuine smile that causes me to look at him in surprise before I shoot him a grin so wide it feels like it's going to split my face in two- but suddenly our legs brush together and we're not smiling anymore as neither of us makes any attempt whatsoever to disentangle our limbs.

I am not breathing. I mean, I am literally not breathing and how we're managing to stay afloat is beyond me because both of have stopped treading water and did I mention that I am not breathing as I wait for three years of mutual, sharp, and exquisitely hidden longing to be resolved at last before I wonder suddenly if it _will_ be resolved. With anyone else the resolution would be inevitable, a foregone conclusion, a quick, intense kiss, quickly over, quickly forgotten. But, I mean, it's Severus. And that changes things.

For one thing, I could not possibly forget.

The moonlight is lighting our faces and his eyes are burning into me and I know, without ever having kissed him, that it would be nothing like any other kiss I've ever had. It wouldn't be gentle and firm and confident but hard and desperate and searching, bursting with passion and raw emotion, leaving me whimpering and writing and gasping and aching for more-

My hands tighten on his shoulders as his hand caresses my hip, lingering where the waistband of my panties begins, and I gasp as my eyes flutter shut. I feel his breath whisper against my cheek and I wait, not breathing.

And then he's pushing me so, so gently away from him even as warm lips caress my cheek, oh _god_, for one exquisite moment his lips are making love to my cheek and I feel sharp confusion and disappointment warring within me before I catch a glimpse of his face as he turns away and hoists himself onto the shore. It's half a moment, but I see enough to realize how unspeakably much it cost him to push me away, and even though I can't understand why he did it, I know absolutely, as the moment passes and dies, that it was for the best. Even if we're both burning.

He's stronger than me in so many ways.

I manage to throw myself onto the shore a minute later and we lay next to one another for what feels like a long time but really can't be. I think it feels longer because we've reverted to form and aren't speaking, aren't looking, aren't touching. Just feeling. Eventually we simultaneously, reluctantly reach for our robes and pull them on, still looking away from one another. Somehow I feel like I need to speak even if I can't bring myself to address him directly, saying carefully,

"I guess that- if I meet anyone from Slytherin after graduation- we'll be on different sides of a war."

He is silent, and I can see him shaking slightly out of the corer of my eye though I'm not sure if it's emotion or cold that's causing it before he says, so softly I almost don't hear him, "Those in Gryffindor would be wise to consider me an enemy."

I reflect, hoping he won't leave before I figure out how best to say what I mean. What I need him to know.

"I try to forget injury, never kindness," I whisper before forcing myself to speak louder. "If anyone were to come to me in friendship, at any time, for any reason, I wouldn't turn them away. It wouldn't matter what had transpired, I would never turn them away. I hope- no one ever feels they have no where to turn. There's ALWAYS somewhere to turn. There's always a choice." I swallow, trying to pull myself together before I repeat dumbly, "There's always a choice. And I never forget my friends."

He shakes more violently but is silent and long moments pass before he begins to walk past me toward the castle. I bite my lip, in agony at all that I can't do, all that I can't figure out how to say before I reach out and grab his hand, whispering, "Good luck, Severus," squeezing it gently and loosening my hold.

Time is still for a moment and I see him swallow hard before he squeezes it back and then drops it as though burned, nearly running toward the castle.

I feel like the ground is swallowing me, but it obviously isn't and I stuff my hands into the pockets or my robe before I gasp and pull out a small vial I'm sure wasn't there this afternoon-

I blink in confusion at the clear liquid that I know must be Veritaserum, that I know must have taken him ages to make, longer even than the Felix Felicis took me- and then I hear a crumpling sound and reach further into the pocket to find a note where the words

_Good luck, Lily._

are written in bold, neat lettering.

I sink to the ground slowly and am grateful for the darkness as I start to sob.

-Happy New Year to all the Lily/Snape fans out there! Please make my day and leave a review :-D -


	2. Vignette 2: Of Silvery Mists

I've decided this has to become a series of 4 vignettes because Sev/Lily will not leave.me.alone :-P

Enjoy!

-Petunia's POV-

Lily's humming to herself as she flips through a bridal magazine, but I can tell her heart's not in it. I normally wouldn't think anything was wrong, but I know my sister. She hasn't been the same since she graduated from that awful place almost a year ago now and-

I feel a shudder wrack my body and force myself to think of something else, to concentrate instead on things I understand- James is pretty great for a wizard, all things considered, and she was happier than she's been in months when she showed us the ring. It seems like they have the same basic wedding rituals in the Wizarding world- these past few weeks I've felt more like an actual sister to Lily than I have in years, since those awful wizards cru-crucified- no, it was some other word, who CAN keep track of these things- well,cruci-whatevered our dad- and now Lily's staying with us, mostly for her own protection, some man named Doomerdoor thinks it's safer-

Of course no one thinks about _us_- but I guess it probably can't hurt to have a trained Auror in the house, even if it is sort of annoying how she goes out at odd hours dressed in those stupid robes to fight evil, like she thinks she's superwoman or something-

"Do you want lunch?" I ask as I start pulling bread from the cupboard, and she nods as she flips the page, smiling widening as she breathes,

"Petunia, this dress is-" at the same moment that a heavy banging sounds on our front door. I freeze mid-action, because I've learned by now that people who don't ring the doorbell aren't normal- they're from _her _set… but usually the knock is light and friendly - not brutal and definite like this-

"Would you get it, please?" she asks, not skipping a beat as she turns the page, clearly not realizing the significance of people who don't know how to work a doorbell-

I feel ridiculous as I contemplate my words. "Will you come with?"

She looks at me in surprise before she shrugs, putting the magazine down and gesturing that I should lead the way as I walk into the small corridor to open the front door- and scream at what I see.

It's a man, but no human being could possibly look this sallow and bitter, should ever be allowed to wear black robes that make him look like death itself as he regards me with disgust, barking, "I had understood I would find Lillian Evans here-"

"Petunia who is-" my sister begins the second before she can see- whatever it is, and I hear her take a faltering step backward, fight not to panic at the fact that she's obviously as disturbed as I am before I remember that, as witches go, my sister's pretty powerful, at least if I believe her friends-

But I get a sinking feeling as she just continues to stare at the door in total shock- and then she smiles shakily, a smile that vanishes as he continues to glare, not looking at her but following _me_ with his eyes, as though _I'm_ going to let him in-

Unless he's going to kill me- what if he tries to kill me-

And my powerful sister, the one my parents were always so proud of for her quick reflexes and wit and magical whatever is struck dumb by- oh goodness, what if he's _making_ her act this way, I heard that Peter guy say something about- about Imperialism or something, it was a spell and-

But even as I think it, Lily's stepping forward, shielding me from him as she nods definitely, just once, before shaking her head, and I wonder if he understands any better than I do, because my bubbly, talkative sister is still not speaking- but there's something in her face I haven't seen there in a very long time, and somehow I know it's going to be alright- even as the silence extends endlessly.

--

-Lily's POV-

Ohmygod my heart's not beating.

Ohmygod my heart's not beating.

Severus is HERE, and he's staring at my sister with _total_ loathing, oh god, if I were anyone else I would be so scared, but he's not a bad person, I know he's not, no matter what everyone keeps trying to say about him and what he's been doing- and why isn't he looking at me and _why _is my heart not beating?

Oh god. How CAN it only have been a year since I last saw him, it felt like so much longer and he- I mean, he looks older, do I look older- but looking at him now it's like no time has passed at all and I- I just-

I mean, I know I've been acting weird since graduation, but god, I really _can't _help it. It's no wonder Petunia is freaked out about the whole magic thing, since her only two real experiences with it have been our father getting _crucioed_ nearly to death and the fight at graduation. I spend all my time trying to be cheerful and everything, put a positive spin on it all, but really that day couldn't have been worse, Sirius's cousin Belatrix pulling out her wand and aiming it at us, screaming 'For the Dark Lord' in the middle of McGonagall's speech about unity- and then she fired a curse at poor Peter, as though he had a chance-

"Lily?" I hear my sister say shrilly, sounding very far away, and then she repeats my name, voice taking on a weird, quasi-desperate note that makes me cringe, "Lily, get RID of him."

I snap back to the present, trying to get ahold of myself- she's right, I need to get rid of him, no matter how glad I am to see him, no matter how much I've hoped he would come, never fully considering what his coming might mean- it can't mean anything good that he's here no matter how much I care about him or how much his friendship means to me, or-

And suddenly his eyes are flashing to meet mine and- I thought I wanted him to look at me, but those eyes are seeing THROUGH me- and they're different now than when I last saw him, in a terrible, painful way that would make me want to cry if I wasn't so confused… but they're defeated, not cruel, god knows I've seen enough cruelty lately to know the difference, and the longer he looks at me the more certain I am that buried somewhere in there is hope… but I can't figure out what the hope is for, what he expects from me, how to bring the hope closer to the front…

And I resolve, before I'm even sure that I'm going to invite him in, that by the time he leaves here I'm going to have seen him smile.

God, poor Severus. He doesn't look like he remembers how.

I open my mouth to say something but words aren't coming out and my traitorous mind keeps flashing back to graduation, the last time I saw him- the whole thing was mayhem, but I remember hearing Peter scream and then being slammed to the ground. I thought it was James, and I struggled against him, I wanted him to let me help, because let's face facts here, I'm way better at defending myself than he is- but then I heard Severus bark "Desist," into my ear, leaving no room for argument, and I went still at the Dumbledore bellowed some incantation that threw everyone in the auditorium against the walls.

Bellatrix looked as though she wanted to kill him as the curses stopped and she surveyed the scene coldly before her eyes went to Severus, his body thrown over mine, and she hissed, "Well, well, well. Severus Snape. What WILL the Dark Lord make of this?"

He stood up, doing a pretty good job of acting all cool and indifferent, but I knew he wasn't before he said coldly. "That will be ENOUGH. This ceremony is SACRED. It should NOT have been disrupted. This is TREASON, Bellatrix. You were NOT ordered to be here."

"Treason against whom?" Dumbledore asked in that oddly calm way he always has in the face of catastrophe, stepping to stand between them as Bellatrix dropped her wand, glaring at Severus in what appeared to be hatred but I realize now must have been her own special form of arousal, since from what I've heard she and Severus have been getting along marvelously in bed and out ever since-

Right. Anyway. Severus didn't answer, Dumbledore shot him this- god, it was this look of- I guess disappointed sadness- and then he went back to his seat, and the next thing I knew Bellatrix was gone and everyone seemed to have decided to just pretend the whole thing never happened- McGonagall was picking up her speech right where it had left off-

Petunia was traumatized.

I guess I was too.

But I know it wasn't just a coincidence that Severus landed on top of me. He was trying to protect me.

I know a lot more about Severus, how he is really, than I think he even knows himself.

So even though Petunia looks like she's ready to faint, scream, and kill me all at once, I reach out a hand and say softly, "Why don't you come in, Sev?"

--

-Petunia's POV-

She must have lost her mind. The only possible explanation is that she has _finally_ lost her mind. All this magic stuff has gone to her head. I'll need to look into the possibility that witchcraft causes mental illness-

"You look-" my sister begins as he enters our house awkwardly, and I feel my jaw drop before she even finishes the sentence, because let me tell you, if this is him looking good-

But Lily can't finish after all, and I feel my alarm increase as she looks like she might burst into tears before she squares her shoulders and shakes her head, questioning in what sounds like horror,

"My God, Severus, what are they doing to you?"

He doesn't answer, just glares at her in defiant, icy indifference, and I wonder how she can possibly continue to meet his eyes without fear, how she could possibly think it was a good idea to invite this evil maniac into our home- but then she takes a step forward, voice carefully controlled as she questions, "What are you doing here?" sounding totally unconcerned- but I know that tone means she's ten seconds away from an emotional outburst and trying to delay the inevitable explosion- and here's to hoping the explosion gets this guy thrown from out home, because I was watching her face earlier and one of the 50 _billion_ different emotions flashing across it was anger-

And now he's stupidly not answering her. I don't know his strategy here, but to the casual observer that would have to look like a mistake- or maybe he just doesn't know what Lil is like when she loses her temper-

And yet- seconds tick by in absolute silence and their eyes just continue to war with each other, making me nervous as I realize that maybe _their_ kind can talk without using words- but then Lily says coolly, somehow managing to maintain the indifferent tone in a way I know she wouldn't have been able to if they really were reading each other's minds, because I don't need to know anything about their past to realize there's a lot of history here, too much emotion- "Petunia, this is one of my best friends from Hogwarts, Severus Snape. Severus, I've mentioned my sister."

He flinches at the word 'friends' before he nods once, briefly, the first communication of any kind that he's offered since she stepped into his line of sight as she continues, "Petunia and I were about to eat. Are you hungry?"

"I've no time to be hungry," he answers, and I wonder how someone like Lily can possibly ENDURE the scorn in his voice, but her lips curve upward in a slight, almost amused smile that doesn't reach her eyes as she fires back shortly, bluntly,

"Which would pretty much explain why you look like the living dead, wouldn't you say?" She turns back to me, saying quickly as I see Severus's eyes flash dangerously, causing me to shudder and marvel again at her complete lack of fear, "Petunia, bring food. Bring lots and lots of food."

I don't dare to ask any questions as I bolt from the hallway.

--

-Lily's POV-

The second she's gone he shoves past me into the living room, questioning shortly, "Who's been teaching you occlumency?"

I barely blink before firing back, "What reason could you have had for trying to read my mind out there? A direct question or two would have sufficed- it's not like I'm going to lie to you."

I bite my lip to keep from adding a barb about how- unlike the god-damned death eaters- I don't try to deceive my friends, but the look on his face tells me that he's heard the words much more loudly than if I had actually said them before he averts his eyes, saying in a low, dangerous voice that I know he's only using to cover up what he's really feeling- how _typical_ of him- "Believe it or not, witches in good standing with the Ministry of Magic don't usually invite me into their home. I was hoping to discover your motives for doing so."

"I'm not supposed to invite my friends into my house?" I ask incredulously before I shake my head, shooting him an ironic smile. "I'm quite certain the Ministry hasn't passed any such decree, but thanks for your concern-"

And his glare is enough to silence me despite myself as he snaps, "This is hardly the time for your characteristic sarcasm-"

"Who's being sarcastic?" I fire back, angry now, before I force myself to count to five, saying more gently, "I think the better question, at least to most people, would be why you're here. Not that- I mean-" and I hate that I blush as I say, "Obviously you're always welcome here."

His eyes flash up to meet mine for a poignant half a second and in that moment they look a lot more like they used to- uncertain, longing for something he thinks he can't have, something that he already has- will always have, he's just too scared to accept it- and it makes me want to cry as I realize that he's probably never heard those words before- that he might not hear them again-

"Severus, what's going on?" I blurt before I can stop myself, not really expecting him to answer me, surprised when he sits down on the couch with a heavy sigh, and I rush to perch on the coffee table across from him, against my better judgment taking his hands in my own as I say softly, "You can tell me. What's going on?"

--

-Petunia's POV-

I pause in the doorway, hoping I don't drop the huge tray of sandwiches and various baked goods as I take in the scene before me- that man's stoicism is gone, he's leaning toward my sister almost frantically and her hands are grasped so tightly in his disturbingly long and pale ones that I fear he's trying to cut off her blood flow-

And then I see her face. He's telling her something about… about _Dementors _and _Azkaban-_

"I'm sorry," she blinks in confusion. "I mean- I know you'll think I'm very ignorant, but what's Azkaban?"

"The wizard prison," he says shortly, causing me to wonder again how she _can _put up with his abruptness, especially when she's so used to people falling at her precious feet. "Dementors guard it."

"Oh," she says, her face clearing slightly, and it hits me suddenly, as she looks at him, that she should not be marrying James. Anyone who can possibly look at anyone like she's currently looking at this- _person-_ has no business marrying anyone else, no matter what's going on-and even I have to admit that way more than I can understand is going on here- but goodness, how CAN she look at this- this vile creature like that, when she has James- anyone would have to realize that James is the better choice- but then, no one else is going to see the look in her eyes right now-

And despite myself I'm almost glad- she's been different for the past year in a dozen little ways, but right now- she's like she was before, chin tilted just a little defiantly, eyes shining with laughter despite what seems to be the gravity of the situation as she chirps, "So, are they evil in themselves or is it more of the principle of the thing we're dealing with here-"

"Both," he deadpans and I think I see the beginning of a smirk on his face as she rolls her eyes, smiling agreeably.

"Naturally." She bites her lip in the way she used to when we were kids, when she was contemplating how to say something tactfully before she shrugs, shooting him a grin. "It's nice to have an actual conversation with you, do you know that?"

"Likewise," he says icily and I'm certain he's not going to continue, as he seems well-versed in the art of monosyllables and not much else, but to my surprise he DOES go on… "I understand you're an Auror already?"

She pauses, brow furrowing as she nods. "Yeah."

He arches an eyebrow. "When I was being recruited they talked of a three year training period-"

"Times of peace afford luxuries that times of war do not," she cuts him off definitely, quickly and I wish I could better understand all the subtext between them, know anything of their history as he nods a curt acknowledgement and she keeps talking, "I obviously still had to pass all of the examinations and tests-" and to my surprise he snorts.

"As though you couldn't have done that the day you graduated-" and my cool, collected sister is actually blushing at what has to be one of the most halfhearted compliments I've ever heard anyone give her- all people ever do is praise Lily- but then the moment is gone as he states shortly, "It's also my understanding that everyone else from your class has yet to pass."

She starts slightly, arching an eyebrow as she says almost teasingly, "For someone who hates the ministry you sure are keeping close tabs on what's going on inside it."

He frowns slightly before saying simply, "I've taken the old adage to heart- keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

And to my surprise her eyebrows shoot higher as she near-purrs, coyly leaning forward "And are you keeping me closer, Sev?"

To my amazement the man actually flushes before collecting himself enough to hiss, "Are you my enemy, Lily?"

The mood is broken at once as she whispers earnestly, "You know the answer to that," and to my surprise his gaze lands on her recently exposed bosom, something flashing in his eyes in a way that almost makes me envy her before those same eyes shoot a pointed glance at her left hand, still twined with his, and he demands abruptly,

"How long?"

She shrugs, as though she didn't know it had been exactly two weeks, three days, and 11 hours since she got engaged, as though she hadn't already decided on the date of the wedding, replying too casually, "A few weeks. We'll be getting married sometime this fall, I guess-

"The ring is beautiful," he says in a voice that makes it clear it's painful for him to acknowledge this fact before he scoffs almost cruelly. "It's comforting to know that Potter can lay aside his ostentatious impulses in instances where it matters-" and to my surprise Lily doesn't jump to James's defense, just stifles a laugh before lowering her voice and saying quickly,

"Can I tell you something terrible?" My ears perk up as she continues, laughter in her voice, "It's-not-exactly-the-one-he-picked-out."

He arches an eyebrow, looking slightly amused as he questions, "You made him take it back?"

She giggles, rolling her eyes. "Of course not! I just sort of- _transfigured_ it a little."

To my shock he smiles at her and her own grin widens accordingly. "Define a little," he says doubtfully and I'm surprised at the easy banter, the unlikely camaraderie as she flushes.

"Enough that I have to try to make sure he doesn't get a good look at it when we go out," she admits, and she suddenly looks guilty as she shrugs. "I don't think he'd be mad or anything, it's just-" and then she sees me and offers a small, almost relieved smile.

"Petunia!" she exclaims, disengaging her hands from his and self-consciously pulling her skirt down as she stands, and Iwonder if they were lovers in school, what's happened to him since they graduated to cause him to look and act like this, to come to our house offering warnings about Dementors and Azkaban- dear lord, is he here to warn Lily they want to put her in Azkaban?

But before I can ask a question she's taken the tray from me with murmured words of thanks and shut the door soundly in my face.

--

-Lily's POV-

I allow myself to blink, just once, still reeling from the fact that Severus has successfully revived a spell from Medieval times in order to repel Dementors before attempting to recap the important stuff. "Okay. So basically, Voldemort is about to join forces with the Dementors and release all the prisoners from Azkaban, my family is high on the list of targets, and I need to learn how to make a Patronus in the next, say, 60 minutes before you need to go and help with the breakout."

He doesn't meet my eyes as he mutters, "I didn't say I was helping with the breakout," and I know that he is. I feel my heart constrict as I force myself not to reach out to him, wanting to make him tell me everything he's been doing, not because I want to hear it but because I know it would help him to get it out, to hear someone say that it's okay, even if it's only me, even if-

Oh god. I just hope he knows it's not too late, that he can sill come help us, Dumbledore once told me specifically that if Severus ever came to me I shouldn't turn him away and that-

And it hits me sharply that by telling me this now, before anything's happened, Severus has ensured that I can go to Dumbledore after I'm done with learning about Patronus's and try to stop the break out, that I can teach everyone in the Order and all the other Aurors how to make a Patronus even if we're not successful in stopping the Dementors tonight, that he's come here at great personal risk to himself-

And even as it occurs to me, I know that this is what Severus wanted when he came… I bite back the words I want to say, resist the urge to thank him for trying to help us, wonder why I don't find this the slightest bit surprising when James would probably just about faint in shock- and because I know it wouldn't be smart to confront Severus about it, not now, I just say softly, grabbing my wand,

"Okay, about these Patronus thingies- tell me how."

He steps behind me with a satisfied nod, adjusting the angle of my wrist before saying softly, "The incantation is _Expecto Patronum. _You'll want to concentrate on the most positive memory you can think of. The most common error wizards make when first learning to expel a Patronus is not picking a memory with enough emotional resonance."

"And then?" I ask as I settle on a memory, suddenly breathless, though whether that's from the excitement of new magic or from the fact that his breath is hissing warmly past my ear and – oh god, I _must not_ think about it, this is not a time for the present, this is a time for memory-

"Think it. Breathe it. _Feel _it," I hear Severus whisper, or maybe it just sounds like a whisper through the fog that is my current reality as I can almost feel the coldness of the ring as James slipped it onto my finger and I say the words-"

"Expecto Patronum," strongly and clearly, surprised as a delicate silvery strand of light emerges from my wand, and I laugh in delight. "Oh my god!" I exclaim disbelievingly, whirling to face him. "You didn't say it was beautiful!"

To my satisfaction he looks pleased, if not impressed. "Very good. Most people don't get that result until at least their fifth or sixth try- very good."

"You mean there's more?" I ask in surprise, flushing as he looks at me as though I'm very young.

"True Patronus's have a definite form. 99 times out of 100 this is an animal; exceptions are rare."

I smile widely as something occurs to me. "Severus can I see yours?" I flush slightly, suddenly feeling totally transparent. "You know. Just so I have an idea of what I'm going for here?"

To my disappointment he shakes his head. "A mental picture of what you're- 'going for'-" he says with slight distaste, "Would serve no purpose. Your only job is to focus on the memories. Any mental images of other things interfering will only hurt you."

I frown slightly before wildly grasping at straws, determined to convince him. "Well, what if the memory of seeing a fully formed Patronus exceeds any other experiences I've ever had in my life? Wouldn't it be useful then? Besides," I add candidly, shooting him a slightly pleading look, "I want to see what one looks like-"

"In that case mine wouldn't be much use anyway," he says dryly. "I'm among the minority of cases wherein the Patronus is not an animal."

I feel my head snap back slightly in surprise and I arch an eyebrow, unable to resist the urge to bait him, "Well, then, oh extraordinary one, what is it?"

But he doesn't smile at me, just says shortly, once more angling my wrist slightly differently than I would have if left to my own devices, "Again."

And as I concentrate I consider the fact that anyone else would probably think it's crazy that Severus came to help me with this, after he spent all that time researching magical history and reconstructing the Patronus spell for the modern day- god, I don't even want to know how Voldemort must have rewarded him- and somewhere in the back of my head I do wonder why he's here now- except for that I know exactly why he's here now. The only thing I'm more certain of is that the reasons he's here can never be acknowledged, not by either or us, not to anyone-but somehow I shove the thoughts from my mind as I take a deep breath and try for the second time.

My wand expels silver mists again. And again. And again. But no matter how hard I try, nothing stronger emerges. Finally Severus sighs, coming to stand in front of me. "Try a different memory. Based on your early success I assumed the one you had chosen was strong enough, but it is- _possible_- that this is not the case. Think of something else."

"But- I mean, it must be strong enough," I blurt in surprise, without thinking. "It's the night James proposed to me, how could that possibly not-"

I stop the train of thought as quickly as I can but it's not nearly quickly enough as we both look down uncomfortably and I can feel my face getting red as he says in a pained, slightly sarcastic voice "Indeed. It would seem that memory would be sufficient."

And for a fraction of a second I want to scream at him, demand how the hell he feels entitled to sound that way when he's fucking _Bellatrix_ of all people, when it was him who- but even in my anger I need to be honest with myself- it wasn't really him who made things how they are right now, not entirely- oh GOD, why I'm even thinking like this at all when there's James- when I love James-

And then suddenly my eyes meet Severus's and I can feel it like it's happening again, the moonlight running into my body and piercing my soul as long, gentle fingers grazed past my hipbone and I was suddenly sure that he was going to kiss me, finally able to acknowledge that I had been longing, waiting for years for him to kiss me-

"Expecto Patronum," I say, and though my voice is unbelievably weak, almost _breathy,_ I feel as though pure, unadulterated joy is shooting through my whole being as a unicorn shoots from my wand and begins galloping around the room in a blur of silver. I laugh in surprise, shocked to see Severus smiling too as our eyes meet, and I wonder if somehow he knows what memory I used, wonder what to say to him, if it's wise to say anything at all- this is so wrong, everything that I feel for him is so wrong when James- when James and I-

And without meaning to, I take a step forward.

--

-Severus's POV-

She takes a step toward me as she smiles, that open, genuine smile that's so unlike any I've seen over the past year before saying softly, warmly, her tone leaving no room for doubt, "I've MISSED you, Severus."

And for just that one moment I allow myself to tell the truth. "I missed you too, Lily."

She takes another step forward, a shaky breath, before blurting, "Don't go back tonight. Stay. I'll take you to Albus. You can work with us. Just- stay."

I wonder for a crazy moment at the words, at what their full meaning might be- before I say firmly, unable to stop the regret that crashes down over me in waves as I try to reply as though I hadn't heard her, "I need to leave soon, Lily."

She looks at me with mild reproach, then smiles in an exquisitely sad way that makes me want to beg her forgiveness for everything and simultaneously reminds me sharply of why I must never come here again. She makes me weak. And weakness is no longer an option.

"You don't have to live like this," she says softly, eyes meeting mine earnestly and I waver for a long moment, not knowing whether to curse her or laugh at her naiveté before I hiss, fabricating anger that I do not feel, that despite all my best efforts I could never feel, not toward _her,_

"I KNOW I don't HAVE to, you impudent child," and I step forward menacingly, some corner of my soul perversely satisfied as she backs into the wall with a dull thud. To my surprise, however, she just stands there, dropping her wand as I take a final step forward, the only change in her posture the almost imperceptible lift of her chin as she defiantly meets my eyes, and for a crazy moment I wonder how things would have been if-

I let out an indecipherable cry at my own madness, my own _weakness_, gratified to see a flash of fear in her eyes, gone as quickly as it comes, and her chin tilts higher. I feel poignant, reluctant respect and somewhere underneath, so deeply hidden that no occlumens in the world could have seen it, affection, even as I yank up my sleeve, waving the dark mark in her face before continuing darkly, "I CHOOSE to. I CHOOSE this life. Are you really so foolish that you can't see the truth before your eyes? All the things your fiancé and his band of Marauders or whatever the FUCK they choose to call themselves these days are saying to you about me are true. I AM in the Dark Lord's inner circle. I AM remorseless about what I've done. You ARE in danger from me, and I will NOT hesitate to-"

"Oh Severus," she interrupts me so softly that if I weren't three feet away I would never have heard her, and her voice is tired as she shakes her head. "Just stop."

My mouth opens, then closes, despite my best efforts to keep ranting, and I'm suddenly unsure what I'm trying to say, what point I'd been trying to make-

"If you want to go around and tell everyone how evil you are, if you want to do-" and she looks downward, a single tear falling down her cheek as she continues even more softly, "whatever number of horrible, inhumane things that Voldemort-"

At her use of his name I snap out of my stupor, managing to growl, "You will NOT refer to the Dark Lord by name. I will NOT-"

"Do whatever _Voldemort_" she repeats with quiet vehemence, "says you need to do in order to convince everyone of what you want them to think, I can't stop you. I never could. But kindly do NOT insult my intelligence by acting like you think I'm just going to stand here and believe what you're saying."

I fight the strong and inexplicable urge to look downward at the naked trust in her eyes, the naked kindness, neither of which I deserve, neither of which I ever deserved when I've done nothing but-

"If you don't believe me you're a fool," I bark, shoving my arm in her face once more. "Do you not know what this means?"

She arches an eyebrow almost _coyly,_ damn her, before saying with a slight toss of her head, "Certainly, Sev. It means that the people who are wearing it don't enter muggle households to help the witches inside of them learn powerful ways to counteract dark magics." She smiles suddenly, a wry, teasing smile that causes my breath to catch in my throat despite myself before she inquires mischievously, rolling her eyes, "Am I, like, kinda-sorta on the right track?"

I mutter something about not expecting her to understand my motives even as I back away, my plan to corner and intimidate her having failed miserably and served only to confuse me- as though I can afford to be confused- it's only another form of weakness and-

And oh dear God, she's stepping forward as I step backward, and I fight the urge to hold out my hands, to beg her to keep her distance and leave me alone- but if I'm being honest with myself she never leaves me alone, even when I'm thousands upon thousands of miles away from her, even when I haven't heard her voice, seen those- those goddamned emerald eyes for hundreds of nights, she's still there, in the quiet moments, in echos of time-

"You know," she observes quietly, keenly, and I'm forcibly reminded of why I respect her so much, that calm intelligence in the face of everything as she continues, "I didn't ask you about any of that, anything about the Death Eaters or the Mark or why exactly you came. I didn't ask you because it doesn't matter. When you're in my home, you're just my friend. I'm just Lily. It's not any more complicated than that. My friends are welcome here. What they do- outside of their interactions with me- is _irrelevant_. I hoped I made that clear one before."

And I hate that she did, hate that I believe her, hate that even now she's saying the word friend like she means it, hate that she makes me believe when I should doubt-

"You want me to fear that Mark?" she questions suddenly, roughly, snapping me from my reverie, and all teasing is gone from her eyes as she drops to her knees in what would have been a gesture of supplication from anyone else, but somehow from Lily is just the natural progression before she grabs my arm, declaring firmly, defiantly, "I KISS it."

Before I even know what's occurring she's pushed my sleeve upward and her mouth is brushing against the dark mark- her lips caressing it what could only be called _tenderly_ as I freeze in disbelief. Her tongue flicks out to provide moisture even as her thumb moves in gentle circles where it's landed on my wrist and I feel a sudden, sharp flash of insight, knowing absolutely that this moment is more intimate that anything that I ever have or ever will share with Bellatrix- and Bellatrix has introduced me to forms of sex I didn't even know _existed_-

And without my consent my knees buckle and I'm kneeling on the floor beside her and her lips linger on the mark for another endless second before she slowly raises her head, eyes meeting mine even as her thumb continues its sensual ministrations to my wrist, causing a shiver to spread up my spine.

"The mark is nothing," she whispers firmly. "It has no significance. I don't hate it. I don't fear it." Her eyes narrow slightly. "And I don't hate you either. If you continue your pathetic and halfhearted efforts to make me, at least know that you're wasting your time."

Her hand slides down slightly, twines with mine before I fully realize what's happening, and I know this is dangerous territory but I'm unable to contemplate any way to stop it as her other hand flits upward, tentatively landing on my cheek, and my eyes flutter shut despite myself as she explores it lingeringly- and I remember another night when she was making me feel like this- when it seemed like I might be able to-

Her thumb is sweeping gently, sensually across my lips, causing them to part slightly, and I open my eyes only to see her tongue flick outward, moistening her own mouth. My eyes cloud over without my assent and I accept what seems to be inevitable, what should have happened years ago, as my own hand moves, seemingly of its own volition, to push her hair out of the way, to caress her throat-

She lets out a small, surprised gasp, throwing her head back artlessly as she leans into my caress. Her grip on my other hand tightens briefly before I wet my lips and tentatively allow them to land on her neck with gentleness it surprises me that I still possess, drawing a lazy circle with my tongue before sucking lightly, sensually. I wait until she lets out a small moan before skillfully biting down just a little harder than necessary and using my tongue to lave the area, fighting against my extreme arousal as she lets out a whimper, her left hand releasing mine and fisting in my hair- and she shivers before pulling me closer.

There's so much I want to say to her but I don't trust myself to speak as her lips find my earlobe and she catches it between her teeth, avidly nipping and sucking. I fight a moan of my own as her hand strokes my back and my fingers slide deftly up the bare skin of her thigh, and I've never been gladder for muggle clothing as she lets out a strangled gasp, arching against me as she murmurs my name-

And suddenly, so quickly that not even I'm sure how it happens, we've shoved away from each other, her voice having served as some bizarre wake-up-call. I jump up and turn away before I can even enjoy the look on her face, her flushed cheeks… and I don't need to look to know what total certainty that she's shaking, knees pulled upward against her body in that ridiculous, almost alarmingly sexy skirt as she sits against the wall, mind probably reeling at least as desperately as mine-

"I have to go," I manage with difficulty, not trusting myself to say or do anything else, and despite myself I wait for her words before I storm out, not able to bear the possibility that words might not come-

And what seems like minutes later but in reality can only have been seconds she says in a whisper, "I'll be waiting."

I've never wanted to turn around and look at anyone more in my life than I want to turn and look at her now but I know that I can't, am frightened of what might happen if I do… but I do know that I _despise_ the way that I can't even ask her what she's waiting for, the fact that I can't get a good look at what her disheveled hair looks like at this instant in the sunlight pouring through the window, the fact that our lips seem destined never to meet-

And I hear her stand, whispering almost brokenly," Good luck, Severus" as she rushes out the door and into the hallway, doubtless to warn Dumbledore about everything, to try in vain to stop the Azkaban breakout like I knew she would, leaving me to disapparate in my own time-

And even knowing she can't hear me, perhaps, like the coward I truly am, because I know she can't hear me, I whisper, "Good luck, Lily."

--

Feedback is BEYOND treasured. Thanks for reading!


	3. Vignette 3: Of War

--Lily--

I guess it surprises me a lot, how domestic I feel sometimes. I mean, I guess that's natural and all, since I am married now and married people probably SHOULD be into cooking and stuff. Still though, I just never thought I would like this stuff while I was still so young.

I guess if I'm telling the total truth, though, I never expected to be married before I was twenty-five, much less twenty. I mean, it just seemed so tacky when people did that, like they didn't realize how young they were and that they had time to wait. I mean, I guess if you're sure then you're sure, but I mean seriously, what's the harm in waiting a few more years to be surer?

Unless you don't know that you have a few more years.

And honestly, things don't look so good right now. Actually, things look really really bad. But I try hard not to think about that when I don't have to. I just do what I can, you know, I go to the ministry every morning and I do what they tell me to do and sometimes now they do what I tell them to do, and every weekend I go to the Order and I do what they tell me to do too, and I try not to feel the deaths all around me even though each and every time it feels just a little bit like I've died too. I hold my head up at the funerals and every time I go out to fight the darkness I accept that I might die too, and that it would be okay. That this is something worth dying for.

But then there are times like this, when James and I are just sitting here reading and it feels so nice and peaceful and normal and I totally can't believe that there's a war at all and I feel like nothing could possibly be worth dying for, not when there's this worth living for-

But these aren't normal times. Everything's gone totally crazy and mostly I'm just trying to digest it all, no matter how calm and collected I look on the outside.

Things aren't always how they look on the outside. I mean god, just look at Severus-

But I don't let myself think about Severus anymore. I mean, at least not usually. He writes to me every once in a long, long time but even with his notes being as infrequent and short as they are I totally know that they're more than he can safely send and I'm grateful for them. Truthfully I never expected to hear from him at all and every single time it gets to a point where I don't think I'll ever hear from him again-

But I always hear from him again.

I don't write back because he asks me not to. He never said why but I know it's just too dangerous for him. God, I really wish I could see him, just for a second, just so he could know I'm okay- 'cause I know that no matter what he says he cares if I'm okay, cares way more than he should or is safe or even makes sense- that if anything ever happened to me he'd be just as devastated as I would if anything ever happened to him-

But I really don't think about it, at least not usually. I mean, there's just no point. And when James smiles at me in that kind, carefree way, I really know that life is so good in general and that I'm so-

"Lil, do we have any tea?" he asks suddenly and I gesture toward the kitchen with a smile as he says "Accio tea," with no conviction, angling his wand lazily. I fight not to laugh as the tea miraculously comes to him, already in a cup with water, and as he mutters "Relashio" the cup begins steaming. When we were younger his nonchalance would have really bothered me but now I find it endearing- he saves his energy for the important stuff, is the truth, and sometimes I don't understand since I'm always too enthused, so passionate… I used to think, or hope, I'm not exactly sure which, that James and I would rub off on each other, but it hasn't really happened here and I'm glad. It makes life easier somehow, and it's so nice, especially when not too much about life is easy anymore –

And as though he heard my thoughts, Dumbledore comes crashing through our chimney.

--James--

As always Lily understands before I do, and I really love her for that. She's grabbed her wand and is marching toward the fireplace practically before Albus has even started to explain and he stops her with a firm hand on her arm, inquiring mildly, "Might I finish?"

"Forgive me professor," and he and I exchange a look at her insistence on using the title well over a year after he started to talk to her as his absolute equal, "but I know all I need to-"

"Are you so sure of that?" he inquires, tone still mild even as his eyes flash, and she flushes before she bursts out,

"I can't stay here any longer while this is happening! They CANNOT be allowed to take the ministry. They CANNOT. I will DIE before I let Voldemort and is minions have it. The only thing I would sooner die defending is Hogwarts itself!" She starts shaking and I wish I could say something, anything that would make her stop but I know it's not possible as she continues, "I HAVE to be there. Professor I will DIE before they take it."

To my surprise Albus's normally placid face is grim as he says, "That's what I'm afraid of, Lily. You MUST NOT die tonight. It is inevitable that the ministry be taken by Tom and those who follow him." His eyes lower and for the first time I realize what I know Lily did from the second she saw him- this is serious and it is really, realty bad. "Unless I am very much mistaken it has already been taken by now. Any further combat delays the inevitable. What we need you to do is remove our most important documents and artifacts. Immediately. You are not to engage anyone. You are not to help anyone. We need you for later."

At my movement toward the chimney Albus checks me with a sharp look, saying definitely, "That applies to you as well, James. You are to stay here and keep your home open to those who may require a place to take refuge."

I open my mouth to protest, knowing with a sick feeling that my friends and colleagues are dying at this very moment and that I have to get there somehow, but one look at him tells me both that it's pointless and that he's serious about sending those who need a place to go here. Lily looks as sick as I feel as she sputters,

"But- professor- the documents and artifacts- only the minister has access to the ones I think you mean, I cant possibly-"

My stomach churns as his face grows graver. "You will have to, and quickly. The minister has been dead for the past hour."

-- Bellatrix--

I feel the power flood through my veins as I yell "Crucio!" for what must be the thousandth time tonight, smile in triumph as the poor fool crawls gasping from the room. I turn to share a triumphant smirk with Severus but to my disappointment, though he's masterfully cursing everyone in sight into oblivion his mind is quite obviously elsewhere as he keeps scanning the room as though there's something he's looking for, expecting to see-

I direct my attention at him from the relative safety of my position and try to probe his mind, but even now in the thick of battle his thoughts are utterly closed to me, though I learned the art of Legilimency from the Dark Lord himself… not, I suppose, that this should come as a surprise from the man whose thought remain blocked even during orgasm, but then, a night like tonight is so much _better _than orgasm, such a triumph for the Dark Lord has never yet been realized and once we've driven all these fools out of the ministry for good we can easily take over the whole-

"Something you wanted to ask me?" Severus hisses in my ear too softly for me to be sure whether it's anger or amusement coloring his voice as I try to hide my surprise at how silently he's managed to make his way over to me.

"Just wondering if this is turning you on as much as it is me," I purr, leaning back against him with some skill and to my delight he presses against me, grazing my hip before he suddenly pulls me back against him harshly, hissing,

"Perhaps you ought to ask Rodolphus that, my beautiful little liar," before squeezing the same hip roughly enough that I cry out in simultaneous pain and delight before he pushes me roughly away from him and states nonchalantly, "If you must know I am merely waiting for the Dark Lord to appear and make our triumph complete."

He turns away from me sharply and with a brief flourish of his wand causes one of the last wizards in the room to burst out in boils.

I like to think he learned his style from me.

--Lily--

I grab the last papers and pensives as quickly as I can, throwing them into a bag and saying "Alohomora" before rushing through the door, knowing that I should have gotten out of here over an hour ago-

I pull James's Invisibility Cloak more tightly around me before speeding down two little known hallways and rushing toward the door of the Potions Regulation and Invention Offices, hoping to be able to use the Floo Network from there instead of needing to get to a 'safe apparition zone' within the ministry which would be anything but safe right now-

And oh my god, I should have thought-but who would think- of all the- and I hear his voice for the first time in almost two years an he bellows "Stupefy!" at the same second that I somehow manage to pull myself together enough to cry "Protego!"

The spells collide and die in a flash of gold somewhere in the middle of the room and I realize even before I can fully believe Severus is really standing in front of me that I should get the hell out of there before he tries something else or worse, realizes who I am-

But as I look at him I know, totally, even as he says nothing, face stoic, wand still raised, that he knows exactly who's in the doorway and that he has no idea what to do about it, just like, even though I've hoped, deep deep down for this moment for what seems like forever, now that it's really here I have no idea how to act either. If it was anyone else I would make quick use of an Expelliarmus spell and apparate, the hell with safe zones, but, I mean, it's _Severus_. And evidently that still changes things.

I'm so tempted to stand there, just for a minute, just one small minute, just looking at him, you know, just soaking it all in but I know that's not fair, it's so not fair to him and it's not enough for me no matter how much I try to pretend and so I don't think about it too much as I take a step forward and kick the door shut behind me as I yank off the cloak.

He's not surprised and to my shock he speaks first, nodding curtly, just my name, no more no less and I venture a smile that fades as I really realize how thin he's gotten, thinner even than last time and how tired he looks, how lost… I see a bleeding cut made cleanly through the sleeve of his perpetually black robes, blurt "Episkey" before I can even think, and the shocked look on his face when he realizes what I've done as the cut heals itself breaks my heart. What kind of people can he possibly be working with that they don't even help each other when they're hurt- and I blurt, again without thinking, the same thing I said the last time I saw him-

"My God, Severus, what are they doing to you?"

To my surprise though he looks at me with horror that must match my own, firing back, "What have they done to YOU? Reducing the greatest witch of our generation to creeping around in an invisibility cloak seems beneath the intelligence of even the imbeciles that formerly controlled the ministry. Who wouldn't want someone of your skill to join the fight-"

"This was a battle," I bite out, forcing myself to stand straighter as I lift my chin, surprised despite everything at the total defiance he always inspires in me, a part of myself I had almost forgotten but that is roaring back with a vengeance as I continue, "Believe that you've not seen the last of me in the war."

He looks away like he's embarrassed and I can't really understand but I don't think I have to as he hisses "You really think you have a chance when your side won't even utter a basic Cruciatus Curse?" His eyes narrow slightly as he says suddenly, softly, "Don't tell me someone of your intelligence is never tempted?"

I know he's just trying to intimidate me now, and it would totally work, I mean, if I didn't get that he really just isn't like this, deep down. So say lightly, almost teasingly, "Yeah, and I totally noticed how you yourself tried to use that very curse just now when I was standing in the doorway," before I lower my voice and say somberly, "You can lie to other people if you want, but deep down you think what I do. There are better ways to stop someone."

His face remains impassive but he can't meet my eyes anymore and that's all I need to know my words have it their mark. My god, I just know he isn't happy, I knew even without seeing him all this time that he just _ couldn't _be, but now, standing here with him, wands still raised in some bizarre parody of the confrontation we both know we're _supposed _to be having, I know how deeply this has all hurt him, how badly he wishes he wasn't standing here facing me, know that deep down he just wants what I want- for this all to be over and his arms to be thrown around someone he loves, someone who loves him back… only he's convinced himself that won't happen, that it can't happen, oh goddamn his ridiculous defense mechanisms, I just can't- I really don't- I mean, I really just wish I could help him see how wrong he is, how much about him is so loveable and worthwhile, how deeply people would care about him if he just let them. How deeply I already do-

God, I always have. Sometimes, not too often, but once in a while, very late at night, I go stand by the window and look at the moonlight and just remember things I know I have no business remembering. Things I've buried as deep as they will go for a hundred reasons but still never quite manage to get rid of.

And that's my secret.

He's still the only thing I've ever kept from James, the only thing I'll always keep from him. And I mean, I know it's not even that big of a deal, that I shouldn't feel so BAD about it, but still, it's just- none of us can help what lives deep down where our soul is. And Severus and I understand one another in a way James and I never will no matter what happens. The truth is always there between us even when we're trying to hide it. Even when it would be better hidden, it's still there.

And the truth is he's not going to hurt me and I know it, so without thinking about it any more I lower my wand to end this stupid charade and wait for him to make the next move.

--Severus--

The girl is as foolish and weak as ever, lowering her wand and leaving herself at my mercy as though she didn't understand that I was one of the Death Eaters sent here tonight to take this building from Wizards like her, to do whatever we needed to do to take control-

But even as I think this I'm lowering my own wand.

"Severus," she whispers eyes shining almost as brightly as they used to years ago, and then she's thrown her arms around me before I even know what's happening, hugging me tightly, not seeming to notice or care that I'm not hugging her back as she strengthens her embrace.

I fight against how glad I am to see her, how glad I was from the second I heard that goddamned caress of a voice and knew it was her in the doorway hours after I'd accepted that she wasn't in the building after all, after we'd thought everyone from the old ministry had fled for their lives and been told we could explore that which was of interest to us. All those fools who can't understand the beauty in subtlety and nuances and time made a rush on the spells and magical weapons department, leaving me alone to discover what headway had been made recently at the ministry in terms of potions-

And as I realize sharply how much delight she and I could have taken, in a different life, just exploring this room together, I hastily relegate all emotion to a tiny corner of being reserved for all that I find unacceptable inside myself, all that I know I can never admit to anyone and most definitely never allow the dark lord to see or suspect in any way.

I waited and hoped all through the fight to see her, another secret best filed away and forgotten. I hid my anxiety brilliantly under a mask of desire for the Dark Lord to appear, but in truth nothing, no one could ever compare to, ever delight me as much as Lily and those goddamned emerald eyes.

And that is a weakness. My only weakness, the only thing that, no matter what I try, never disappears. And because of that I hate it. Hate her…

With that thought I shove her roughly from me, and as my eyes lock with hers for the first time in well over a year I suddenly, sharply remember just how much I don't hate her, just how much I never could even as I hiss,

"Do you have any idea what you're doing whatsoever? Do you have any idea what would happen to us both if we were seen doing… whatever that just was? Do you-"

"Oh Severus," she sighs, sounding suddenly tired, almost defeated, "Of course I understand," and as I continue to meet her eyes I know that she does and wonder if that's courage or stupidity, if the two are really so far removed as I'd like to believe before her eyes narrow slightly and she raises an eyebrow, questioning archly just like I remember, "Do you?"

And as usual she's thrown me totally off balance within three minutes of seeing her again, reminded me that I'm just human after all as I have no idea what to say and instead choose to sneer slightly as I try to regain the upper hand, saying with lazy cruelty perfected in the time since I last saw her, "I had expected to encounter you earlier tonight with your bleeding heart friends."

"I was otherwise occupied," she retorts, no longer meeting my eyes, and I try to enter her mind but she blocks me immediately, deftly, saying flatly,

"I asked you once before to please not do that," and the heart I spend all my time denying that I have contracts as I realize how much older she really is- maturity agrees with her, she only gets more beautiful as she ages and it gives her a composure she had always lacked, a composure that I suddenly realize I despise because I feel like it's blocking _her_, and my stomach sinks slightly before I remember her face when she first dropped the cloak, the way she threw herself at me the second I lowered my wand and I realize she's the same, she's just learned composure out of necessity, and I understand far better than I wish I did. I've learned so many things out of necessity, so many much more damaging things than composure-

"Forgive me," I say softly, face clouding over as I realize that with those two words I've deferred to her more than I've deferred to anyone but the Dark Lord himself in the past year, and I hate her for that, I really do, hate her for making me feel when I never wanted to feel again-

"Oh Severus, I do," she whispers and I know that she means it, completely, that she really has forgiven me for so much more than the brief Occlumency and it makes me want to shake her, demand to know what's wrong with her that she would-

And then I see her rings. Her gaze follows mine and she says softly, "It was a nice wedding. I missed you at it, though."

"I-" and I hate that I'm speechless and that I care, hate that I feel obliged to answer her when I never answer anyone and she didn't even ask a question. "I received your invitation. I was- gratified that you thought of me. I hope-" and I almost choke on the words, despising how formal they are as I try to take control of this impossible situation, "I hope you're well."

A small thud sounds outside and she looks at the door, anxiety flitting over her features and my soul hardens as it occurs to me she's probably not scared of the dangers that might be behind it, if I know her at all she's still fearless, but she's concerned she might be found in here with someone as undesirable as me-

But then, as though she could hear my thoughts she turns back to me, face tortured and for one awful second I really think she's going to throw herself on the ground and begin sobbing before she whispers, unable to hide the raw emotion in her voice despite her regained composure, "GOD Severus, I miss you."

I want to fire back some damaging comment about how that's impossible since she barely knows me, that I never think of her at all, that I hate her and all that she stands for and hope that she dies on her way out of the building but I just can't do it. She's Lily. And not only does that change things, but god help me, I feel the same. Even if it makes no sense and I hate myself for it every day.

"I-" I begin, angry at myself and at the futility of this conversation before I repeat, with less finesse than I thought I was capable of, "I hope you're well."

Her brow furrows and she takes a step toward me before venturing unexpectedly, "Can we go somewhere? Away from here? And talk for a while?" and even though her voice is hesitant it's warmer than anyone has been to me since I last saw her, and for a long crazy moment I want desperately to accept but the rational part of myself knows I must not leave this building and I answer only with an abrupt, definitive shake of my head.

To my surprise she shoots me a genuine smile as she shrugs, perching on a remarkable clean table and quipping, "You can't blame a girl for trying."

"No," I retort, suddenly hoarse for reasons I don't fully understand and don't think I want to.

"Your…friends… will be coming to collect you soon." A statement, not a question, but she always was one of the most intelligent people I have ever encountered.

"Yes."

She smiles slightly and despite myself what's left of my heart breaks as she pats the spot next to her and against all logic I go to sit next to her, seeing her smile warmly out of the corner of my eye even as we don't directly look at one another, even as we're careful not to let our bodies touch, and for one simultaneously terrible and blissful moment I feel like we're seventeen again and sitting on the steps at Hogwarts in semi-darkness, talking at each other, laughing with each other, knowing only in the vaguest way what was coming after graduation, what it would all mean, so goddamned foolish and innocent and young-

"I'm well," she says suddenly, answering my all but forgotten question and snapping me harshly back to the present as she continues, "I've been happy." She shrugs a little, almost self-deprecatingly. "Sometimes I'm afraid."

I snort despite myself. "Lily Evans afraid? Never."

I feel rather than see her hand inch closer to mine before she murmurs, "Not so much for myself, but for my friends- yes Severus. I'm very very afraid for my friends."

I war within myself for a long moment before deciding to acknowledge that I do understand the meaning behind her comment, saying sharply, defiantly,

"You needn't worry about me. I'm content."

"Are you, Sev?" she asks so softly I almost don't think she really said the words, but I couldn't have heard them louder if she'd sent them through a Howler as her hand artlessly covers mine, squeezes, doesn't let go. "If I thought that was true I would tell you to go with my blessing and mean it. I really would."

"I mean it," I say hoarsely, unable to look at her and equally unable to pull my hand away from her infernally soft touch and as my head begins to turn toward hers without my own volition and our eyes slowly meet I feel a sharp stab of a kind of desire I had thought was lost to me forever. It isn't carnal, or rather, it isn't solely carnal- it's deeper than that, it's not a desire to possess her but a desire to share with her, totally, to embrace her without fear, to sigh in contentment after a long day as our eyes meet and know that the world will be okay before those same eyes mist over with desire and skin meets skin-

And as she flushes slightly, unabashedly continuing to meet my eyes, I know she feels it too- that we'll probably both always feel it and spend 99 percent of our lives struggling unsuccessfully to forget it in any way we can. The silence is endless, beautiful, before she says with nearly pained conviction, "No Severus, you don't mean it. You don't mean it at all."

I wish I could be angry with her for her presumption, for anything at all, but I only feel sadness as she opens her mouth again and I stand, pulling away from her as I snap harshly, fighting against regret, regret that I banished from my life years ago,

"If you're about to make another one of your idiotic speeches about how it's 'not too late' and I can still come with you, I advise you not to waste your breath."

"Making sure my friends know where I stand could NEVER be a waste of breath," she says firmly, raising her chin and despite myself a ghost of a smile passes over my face at how little she's changed in some ways. "You CAN come with me and join the order. Dumbledore DOES agree with me about this. We want you." She bites her lip in the way I used to hate so much and now have spent countless nights dreaming of, and I can tell she's making a decision before she stands and squares her shoulders, taking a single step toward me before she looks me dead in the eye, whispering, "We love you."

--Lily--

I hear the words echo and I'm really scared that I made a mistake, that I went too far, but I know he doesn't react well to fear and so I just stand there, almost daring him to react badly… but he's not reacting at all and at the same time he's reacting way, way more than I ever hoped he would, emotions are racing unchecked across his face, disbelief and anger and gratitude and reciprocation… but I'm pretty sure disbelief is winning and it really is breaking my heart that he can't accept what's right in front of him… but before my eyes he's collecting himself, his face has gone… god, numb is the only possible word before he turns away from me, saying flatly,

"Love is an illusion. No one loves anyone else. It's a beautiful lie that the weak must believe, nothing more."

And I don't know what's hurting me more, the fact that he's saying this or the fact that I'm so so scared that he's made himself believe it- I mean I believe, I _have_ to believe he knows deep down that it's not true, at least that he realizes how much I care about him, how much I always will, but he's hiding it all the time, even from himself and god, it makes me want to cry-

"Severus," I say softly, but I know that I've lost him for now, that the best thing, the only thing I can do is go. But I can't go, I can't _let it_ go despite myself, not when I know that he's miserable and just doesn't understand that there really is a way out, that he doesn't believe in himself enough to know that I mean every word I ever said to him-

"God please look at me," I blurt before I realize I'm going to say it and to my surprise he does, he turns and I'm not positive, but I really do think that's a tear on his cheek-

I'm stepping forward before I can even think and to my total shock he's opening his arms and folding me into them and then we're just clinging onto each other and I'm seized with the realization that we really don't need words, that any more words are just going to be too much as we stand there for what feels like seconds but really must be minutes, and I'm sobbing, I know I'm sobbing, my cheeks are wet and I'm convulsing but I'm not making any sound and it's impossible to be sure through my tears but I really do think that he's crying too and I know neither one of us knows exactly why, if it's for the bleakness of the future or the missed opportunities of the past, all the things we both want and can't ever have or just at the general goddamned unfairness of life, god life is so bad, how can a life where I'll probably never see Severus again be okay, a life that has treated him so unfairly and caused him this much pain-

But even now, after all this time, he's so much stronger than me, managing to comfort me even when he probably needs it way more than I do, god how can people say the stuff they do-

And it hits me suddenly that this moment is so much more than anything else we've ever shared, more even than that night by the lake when we were happy giddy and anticipating and so blissfully young… these feelings are deeper, it's not lust, or at least not mostly, I mean I'll never totally be over my attraction to him but… I mean, it was never lust, he means so much more to me than that, he IS so much more than that, but this feeling right now, it's permanent and it's deep and it's real and it's part of us, born of maturity instead of innocence and he's still the only person our age who I can really call my equal in any way, really he always was-

"Tell me I'll see you again," I sob suddenly and as I feel rather than see him shake his head I whisper, "Then lie to me."

To my shock and delight his arms tighten further as he murmurs almost tenderly, "Of course we'll see one another again. This whole war will be over within two years and everyone will look back on it as the wild and misguided adventures of our youth and we'll visit one another every week and not need to worry about politics or safety or what people will say-" he breaks off suddenly, sounding pained, and as I pull back slightly I see his brow furrow angrily but I know even before he speaks that the anger is directed at himself, not me, "Please forgive me for how I treated you at Hogwarts. I was- _so _foolish- to have been anything but proud of your friendship. Believe me when I say that if I could relive that time I would have acknowledged you- far more than acknowledged you-"

And it's more than I ever hoped to hear from him and more than anything else it makes me know this probably will be the last time we see one another, at least alone. Or even on good terms, at least outwardly- and I know too that this is him telling me that he loves me too, the only way he can, god people are so wrong about him, if only they could know how wrong they are about him and-

"Please, please," and I can't believe the whimpers are coming from me but I know they're not coming from him as I try to compose myself before pushing back just enough to meet his eyes, god I love them, as I attempt to articulate, "Please know it's really not too late. It could never be too late. Please, please know you are always welcome in my home and in my life. More than welcome. Wanted. Please. Please know."

He nods just once, not meeting my eyes, but in that moment I know he has been crying, know that he believes me and that for some reason that's killing him as I hold him tighter for as long as I dare, not nearly long enough before I so, so slowly pull away, grabbing the long, elegant hands that always amazed me with their agility, with their strength-

"I think you are _so _amazing," I blurt tactlessly before kissing his cheek slowly, lingeringly, caressing the other side of his face with my hand gently before I whisper softly into his ear, "And I stand by what I said years ago. Voldemort is unworthy of you."

--James--

I'm in bed by the time she loudly apparates into our bedroom and even though I know she'll be glad to think I was asleep and not awake worrying I definitely couldn't sleep until she was back in my arms.

"Hey," she whispers, and it's impossible to tell in the dark but damned if she doesn't sound like she's been crying and damned if I don't want to kill whoever brought her to that point-

"I still need to go check in with Dumbledore," she continues, perching on the bed next to me, "But I wanted to make sure you knew I was okay."

I'm touched and relieved and just so glad to see her, there are no words for how glad as I am as I say firmly, "I want to come with you."

She smiles but it doesn't come close to reaching her eyes and I know for sure then that she has been crying before she shakes her head. "Albus meant what he said. It's crazy out there tonight; our house has to be open in case anyone needs to take refuge here. Someone has to be here in case any of them are in-" and she flinches as if in pain, biting her lip before whispering, "trouble."

I nod, feeling sick. "That bad?"

She nods, just once. "Yeah." She just looks at me for a long moment before leaning down to give me a careless kiss, run her hand through my perpetually messy hair before murmuring, "I've gotta go. Try to get some sleep."

I nod as she stands, say firmly, "I love you, Lil."

She smiles but it's sad for some reason I still don't fully understand before she whispers back, "I love you too."

--

Feedback is treasured more than you can realize!


	4. Vingnetter 4: Of Hope

--Sirius—

Lily's breathless as she comes to the door and I smile slightly as I wonder what havoc Harry is creating now, but she smiles when she sees me before saying apologetically, "I'm sorry, James just left-"

I make a face of mock horror before shrugging. "Devastated as that leaves me, I was actually hoping to see my godson."

Her smile widens but doesn't _quite_ reach her eyes as she ushers me inside.

It always hurts me a little bit to see Lily now. Actually I think hurts isn't the word so much as unsettles. Of everyone in the Order- really of everyone we graduated with- she's unquestionably the most changed. A lot of people say I have no appreciation for subtlety, but it's all the little things about her that were always most striking- the way her eyes would glitter like they held some secret, the defiant tilt of her chin as she stood up for something or someone, her unchecked excitement every time she discovered something new, something better. She could _never _be dull, a part of that girl survives, somewhere deep down where not even the war can touch it, but just because she still has more life than 99 percent of the people I've ever met doesn't mean she's anything like she used to be, and I know that everything that's happened since we graduated has hurt her far more than even Dumbledore for some reason I don't wholly understand- maybe it's because she's seen more than us, maybe it's because she didn't used to really believe this kind of evil existed and now she's been forced to, maybe it's all part of her survival strategy- in which case it's working- but still-

At first, right after graduation, I think we were all glad that she had 'mellowed' a little, even James, who had always been the biggest proponent of her fire. It helped her as she rose up through the ministry, as she became nearly unbeatable in battle, as she thought of things none of the rest of us could have dreamed of with that quick mind-

But her quick _wit_, something I used to alternately despise and adore her for depending on whom it was directed at- sometimes I wonder if that's gone forever.

Through her pregnancy and right after Harry was born it seemed like she had gotten some of it back, the unconscious joy, the perpetually glimmering eyes- but now, recently, maybe because she's scared about Harry's safety or maybe because of the news about Frank and Alice, she's retreated into herself again, always calm, always kind, always ready… but not quite _Lily._

I know James feels it too, but oddly enough I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me… he's accepted it, and though we've never directly discussed it I think he viewed it as inevitable and so it didn't disturb him. God knows nothing could stop him loving Lily, but…I guess I just didn't see it as all that inevitable. And I wish I could change it somehow but I know that's impossible-

A coo from a crib informs me that I've been lost in my thoughts too long and I reach out without hesitation to hold my godson…

Who promptly punches himself in the face, then looks shocked before blowing a raspberry at me as I struggle not to laugh. Lily smiles, but it's still that strange ghost of a smile I'll never get used to before a knock sounds loudly from downstairs. She goes toward the door at once but I reach out an arm to stop her, saying definitely, "I'll get it, you're tired."

"I'm not-"she protests halfheartedly, then sighs, nodding, seeming to realize that I know that she was out till dawn tracking Bellatrix Lestrange. "Thanks."

I swing open the door without checking who it is, James and Lily don't have enemies- at least, not who would come in the daytime-

And I'm stunned, caught halfway between anger and disbelieving laughter at who I see in the door.

"You're not welcome here," I say definitely, hoping to mitigate a real confrontation since he hasn't drawn his wand, and swing the door shut, surprised when he says a low and firm "Alohomora" without the use of his wand and the door swings open again while he pushes just roughly enough past me and into the house.

I've drawn my wand and turned on him before I even contemplate what to say, barking instinctually, "You'll rue the day you decided to come here, Snape-"

"Is Evans in or should I just leave before I'm forced to become suicidal due to your mundane prattle?" he has the nerve to articulate almost lazily and my eyes narrow as I seethe,

"There's no one by that name here, Snivellus, or are you really that far behind the times," stunned as his face shifts, just for a moment, into something nearly resembling humanity and I take advantage of that second to send him back through the door he came through with a firm "Levicorpus!" unsurprised as he draws his own wand, hissing,

"If you're telling me Lily isn't here, I see no reason to endure your snide-"

From nowhere I hear an unexpected, angry, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" and I feel a small surge of relief, because though I'd rather die than admit this to anyone, I don't have much confidence that I could single-handedly defeat the man we used to call Snivellus and is now unquestionably one of the most powerful dark wizards of our time, poised to become Voldemort's right hand man- but I know that Lily will have no trouble. It should probably wound my ego to know she's better than me, but at this moment it only brings relief as she comes rushing down the stairs-

And inexplicable says, calmly, downright _kindly_, "Severus, please come in."

I feel my mouth drop in shock as twenty equally unlikely possibilities flash through my mind, starting with Lily secretly going to the dark side and ending with her being under the imperius curse-

But this is Lily alright, somehow, indefinably, looking more like she used to than I've seen her in years, eyes gleaming even as she snaps, "I wasn't aware that you felt you had the right to deny or allow persons access to my house, Sirius," continuing to look at Snivellus, her eyes still glowing in that incomprehensible and maddening way-

I snap out of it enough to bluster, "James would support me here. He would kill me if he thought I had let Sn-" I pause, then finish somewhat awkwardly, "Snape into his home."

Her eyes flash and her chin tilts defiantly before she snaps, "Oh, please _do_ get James to come here and say this house isn't OURS and that I can't invite whoever I want inside."

And from nowhere the Lily I used to remember is back, totally, incomparable wit biting me in the ass, but it would be just my luck that at the second this would happen her cheeky defiance would be turned on me as she continues, eyes flashing once more and letting me know there will be no argument, "Sirius, I think you should go now."

--Lily--

Every single time I see him I notice how he looks, but if I'm telling the truth this is the first time I've worried what he might think about how _I_ look, what he himself might be seeing. I watch his eyes roam almost hungrily over my body, settle on my face, know I should probably be scandalized or offended or _something_ by the thorough once-over, but instead I'm blushing as I assess him what I can only hope is more subtly. He's gained weight and it suits him, at least he doesn't look like he's going to fall over at any instant now but his eyes- they're harder than I've ever seen them, but they're still not cruel, they're _tortured…_

I know this isn't a social call, know that with everything being how it is right now he wouldn't be here under _any_ circumstances if my very life weren't at stake, and I know that should make me scared and nervous and angry, but all I want to know, my traitorous seemingly-intelligent mind betraying me beautifully, is

"How've you been?"

My voice echoes so loudly in the silence that I cringe.

"Busy," he answers curtly and I don't know whether to laugh or cry about the obviously true but totally ridiculous answer, when he knows that's not what I meant at all-

And I know I'm frowning slightly but I can't help it as I deadpan back, "That much was obvious."

For a fraction of a second he starts to smile, I imagine at my continual ability to banter no matter the circumstances but it's gone as quickly as it comes. Again there is silence as our eyes meet and I realize belatedly that we're both waiting for the other person to speak… but the truth is, even now, in this ridiculous, terrible situation I'm just wanting to soak him in, enjoy him for as long as possible, especially when I never thought I'd see him alone again, so the thing is, if he's planning to wait for me to speak he's going to be waiting a long time because I'm in no rush-

But my face falls again as I realize there is a rush, at least for me, and probably an even greater one for him, god only knows how many minutes he might have… seconds even… but at the same time I know he came to tell me something, he won't leave till he's said it, and so I wait and I remember.

I've only seen him once since I had what I now call my 'mid-war-emotional-breakdown'… god, it's been_ so_ long... His notes stopped coming after that night, though I wasn't sure if it was because he was being watched more closely or because he was afraid of what he might be tempted to say. I know he probably hoped I would think he stopped caring, that he views me as a weakness and wishes I would do something to _help_ him stop caring- but the thing is, I know he cares, even if he can't show it at all. Just like I care even though I hide it from everyone but Dumbledore and sometimes even then-but I think it's a strength, not a weakness, I wish so much he could realize that too-

Anyway though. The only time I saw him since then was when the Order had received intelligence about where Voldemort's headquarters were. We infiltrated at three in the morning, expecting it to be empty.

It wasn't. Evidently that's when the dark side does all their important planning, which just seemed too clichéd to be believed but nonetheless-

I was three months pregnant, not enough to show but enough to make me cautious, or at least to make me think I would be cautious-

But if I'm telling the truth I wasn't cautious at all, I was the first person in the whole room to utter a spell, sending that Bellatrix bitch slamming up against the wall and sending the entire building into mayhem.

I didn't see him so much as feel his presence during the battle, but that sounds totally crazy and so I never say it out loud. Mostly I try not to even say it in my head. It was only toward the very end, when everything truly had gone to hell and I was starting to wonder if anyone even knew who was on their side anymore that I turned from the wizard I had immobilized at the same instant that Severus made a pivot and we were facing each other, wands raised, shoulders squared.

We both hesitated for only a second, but a second is an eternity in a situation like that, enough time to die and so too long to wait, and then we both turned again, away from one another, and continued on.

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal or anything, but I mean, I don't think there's any possible way to explain to someone who wasn't in that moment, how I just… couldn't.

And while I'm sure he would never say it like this, the truth is he couldn't either.

Actually, I really think that even if this war went for 50 more years and we didn't see each other once in all that time, we still wouldn't be able to.

But God help us all if this goes for fifty more years-

I snap back to reality, where we're both still looking at each other like we're trying to memorize each other and I know he's remembering too, not just that but other moments, other days-

I think sometimes, how ridiculous this whole thing is, that I don't hate him after everything he's done- and I've very closely followed everything he's done, even though I sometimes wish I could stop, even though I often don't want to know or to believe… but the thing is I understand why, how this has happened… and I know that even though the choices are his and there's no excusing that, it's because he thinks he hasn't got a choice, and I know too that he's been too far inside Voldemort's organization for a long, long time to think he can actually get out- that he might be right, they would kill him if he got out-

God though, he's mentioned all the time, both on their news and on ours, accomplishments and conquests, good things and bad- he's inventing potions like crazy and he's running two branches of the new ministry-

And they say he's killed a lot of the people on our side. But I notice things, smaller things, and I think it's interesting that none of his victims are children, none of them are muggles, and none of them didn't choose to engage him first.

Of course Voldemort wouldn't notice that, having no talent for subtlety but-

I sigh, realizing that I evidently am going to need to speak again before he will, even though I don't really understand why, but nothing useful is coming to my mind for some reason, of all the possible questions I can ask him all I really want to know is,

"Do you want a brandy?"

Again a ghost of a smile dies on his face almost before it's begun as he sneers, "I never took you as one for hard liquor."

I wrinkle my nose in distaste, hating how right he is. "Well I mean- I'm willing to have one anyway. You know. In the spirit of the thing."

He looks slightly uncertain and I realize even I don't really know what I'm babbling about anymore, as always he's thrown me off balance and as always, despite myself and all my better judgment I _like_ it, as he shakes his head almost imperceptibly and replies,

"I thank you, but I'm not thirsty."

And again we're just looking, and for a crazy moment I don't even care why he's here, just that he _is_ before I hear a small sigh come through the baby monitor and remember that more than just my life is at stake here-

"I am-" I begin with difficulty before taking a step forward and grasping his hands, not taking any notice of the fact that he doesn't squeeze mine back, "SO glad to see you. But- I mean," I flush despite myself, "I have to think that something's going on. So- tell me."

As his face grows suddenly tortured I shoot him a small, confused smile before I usher him toward the couch and turn my body toward him as our hands remain entwined. "Please- Severus. Whatever it is you can tell me."

--Severus--

I had full intended to enter the house, coldly apprise her of the situation, and exit before she even had time to react, but as usual I've underestimated my own tendency to react to her, my ability not to be affected by her very presence-

She looks even more beautiful than before; evidently motherhood agrees with her- there's a half inch of shin exposed between her jeans and the loose top that she's wearing, and I can just make out a glimmer of red at her hip, and as I see it, even not being able to tell anything about it, I know she's done what she foolishly declared she would do, four, five years ago now- and despite myself I can hear her voice as though it were yesterday, as we walked down the barely lit corridor late one night, me trailing just a few steps behind her-

"I decided I want to get a tattoo, after I have kids, you know? Something representing all the houses, so that they'll know their father and I really think all the houses are awesome-" remember cringing at her goddamned Gryffindor all-loving-bullshit-esque-bravado even as I knew it wasn't bullshit, not from her, before I fired back,

"Not many wizards view the houses as equal," having no doubt, even then, that she'd marry some Gryffindor who probably thought their house was the center of the universe-

But as her ring catch the light and I despise myself for never being able to go five minutes in her presence without looking at them, I'm forced to admit she probably couldn't have found someone more likely to share her bleeding heart, _everyone_ is special mentality than that prat Potter- that neither of them can understand the role of politics, of prejudice, that their son will doubtless be equally clueless-

And as the thought of the boy enters my mind I know I'm not able to keep the agony off my face as she just sits there, looking at me with concern on her face, not knowing that I've betrayed her, not knowing that within two minutes she'll be throwing me from her house-

"Sev, please," she repeats, grasping my hands tighter. "Are you in trouble?" Her brow furrows slightly before she asks candidly, if anything _more _fearless than I remember, "Am I?"

I open my mouth to tell her, but somehow nothing comes out and I'm reduced to merely nodding, feeling something flip over in the very pit of my stomach her expression only grows more concerned, and I know, instinctually, that her concern isn't for herself, it's for me, and she's wishing she could say or do something to ease my mind in some way, not knowing that I've delivered the information that may lead to her death-

"You are or I am?" she asks gently, encouragingly, unbelievably further tightening her grip on my hands before I manage to say softly, hoping my voice isn't menacing but not sure I even remember how to make it anything but,

"You are."

Her grip on my hand loosens slightly and as usual she's supremely foolish, of all the things she actually looks _relieved_, as though she's glad it's her and not me in trouble when everyone she loves would probably cheer at my death- when if she had any sense she herself would cheer at my death-

"Severus," she says gently, and god help me her hand is on my cheek, gently turning me to face her as though I can bear to meet her eyes at a time like this, when I've probably destroyed the only person ever to show me kindness, "I meant it. You can tell me. You _have_ to tell me. What's going on?"

--Lily--

For a long moment I think he's really not going to answer me, and I'm really scared, not for myself but for him, it's obvious that whatever this is hurts him so badly and I wish so much that it didn't, that I could say something to comfort him but that's impossible when I have no idea what's happening. I was so scared he was in trouble but now that he's not I know it'll be okay. I have so many people who will help me, I'm so lucky but-

"Lily, I retrieved a prophesy," he says so softly I can barely hear him, his voice blank, but I know it's only that way because he's trying to hide his emotions, and he's really not succeeding anyway…

When he fails to go on I nod encouragingly, turning to sit Indian Style on the couch. "Okay," I nod, waiting for him to go on, relieved when after a long moment he continues, looking determinedly down at the floor.

"I delivered it to Voldemort."

I'm slightly startled at his use of the name, I don't think I've ever heard him say it before, but I try to act totally unaffected as I nod again. "I mean, I know I was pretty naieve sometimes, Sev, but I do know you work for him," I say, trying to lighten the tone of the conversation and failing miserably as he only looks more tortured.

"Why didn't you ever judge me?" he demands suddenly, unexpectedly, still not looking at me. "You should have, you know. I've done things I'm sure you find insupportable and unconscionable. I've-"

"You did what you thought was best at the time, like we all did," I say, meaning it as I place a hand on his knee, wishing he could know how well I understand, especially now, how well I always did- "And now it's all gone to hell. I will never _agree _with what you've done, but I'll also never say I don't understand." I shrug, wishing he would turn to face me as I continue, "Anyway, I don't make a habit of judging my friends. It's so much better to just enjoy them-"

And again I can barely hear him as he says softly, "I made a mistake, Lily."

My brow furrows and I bite back the words 'I know you did,' realizing that a glorified 'I told you so' is no way to deal with the situation…

"Severus, if you feel that way, it ISN'T too late," I insist. "As long as you're still alive there's time to turn things around-"

His eyes flash up suddenly to meet mine and I instantly wish they hadn't as there's more agony in them than I think I've ever experienced in my lifetime before he hisses, "The prophesy was about your family, specifically your little boy. The Dark Lord has decided to kill him. You and James must go into hiding at once."

I blink in confusion as for a moment I don't understand and for another I don't believe… but I'm only human and then I'm leaping up as though he's burned me, still hardly believing the words even as I feel like someone has stabbed me through the heart. My first instinct is to kill him, to scream at him, to hurt him like he's hurt me, to do anything I can to relieve the pain his words cause me but I know that won't help so I just say slowly, disbelievingly, shaking my head as I try to stop the shaking of my legs as I utter uncomprehendingly, shocked at how betrayed I feel when I know- when I've always tried to make myself accept that he and I did choose different things, that our lives have diverged unspeakably, "And you gave it to him."

He looks at me, still tortured, and whispers, "Please believe it didn't occur to me that it was about you until after I had delivered it. I- I came here as soon as I realized how the Dark Lord had interpreted it. I- I had no idea-"

And in half a second I know he's telling the truth and I wonder how I could have actually thought he had done it on purpose, feeling nothing more than shame and a sharp sense of dread running through my body as I kneel before him, opening my mouth to apologize-

But one look at his face stops me. I never found him that hard to read, couldn't understand how stupid other people were when they failed, but looking at him now… It's obvious that he expects me to be angry, to turn my back on him like everyone else has, is confused as I grab his hands again and venture a small, understanding shrug. I'm not stupid, two million thoughts and feelings are warring inside of me, but gratitude for what he's done is winning- god knows what he risked to come here today-

And so I take a moment to evaluate the options before I reach out a hand to turn his face toward me again and feel a pang shoots through me as he flinches, clearly expecting me to hit him, at how he expects me to treat him, to hate him, even after all this time, even after all we've gone through-

"I believe you," I whisper and to my shock a single tear drifts down his cheek, landing on my thumb, before I continue, "I- really can't thank you enough for coming here. I know- you're risking a lot to tell me-"

"Goddamn you," he hisses, but he's shaking and I know he's only using anger as a defense mechanism, that if he could throw himself down on the ground and sob he probably would, 'What is _wrong_ with you?"

And as his eyes flash to meet mine again I feel something shift, almost imperceptibly but very, very definitely as I feel like all the breath has been sucked out of my body, as though he's seeing through me and releasing feelings, discovering depths of myself I tried so had to forget about before I choke out, surprised at how breathy I sound,

"What's wrong with us both?"

And I know suddenly that I _need _there to be a release, we both do, that there should have been a release years ago, not just of all the emotion that's built up today but of all the ill-advised and uncontrollable feelings we've nurtured throughout this mess, all the thinly and poorly hidden longing, all the little moments that have been leading to something greater, something unavoidable-

And even though I know it's wrong, even though I accepted a long time ago that it could never happen, _should_ never happen and even though I realize in the long run it might make things worse I feel no desire to stop the moment now that it's finally here, not when it's seemed inevitable to me that this would happen since we were sixteen years old… and then, as his hand reaches out to caress my cheek, surprisingly warm and still so graceful, so elegant, as his thumb brushes along my jawline, I suck in a sharp breath and allow my eyes to flutter shut as I lean into his touch. Excitement and suspense and yearning coil together deep down inside of me as I slowly reach up to cover his hand with my own…

And then our lips are pressing together and I know it's me who made the move toward him and I should feel bad, I should feel guilt and regret, I should be thinking about other things, more important things but… it's Severus. And that changes things.

For one thing, what could be more important than this?

--Severus--

For one sharp moment I wait in agony as her head tilts slightly to the left, as she leans closer, exhaling breathily as her free hand lands gently on my chest and I wait for the inevitable conclusion, after all these years and all this agony- and then her lips are fusing with mine and I feel like I can't breathe.

It seems pointless to lie now, that the moment is actually here, even if I never believed it could truly happen, that she would truly allow herself to kiss someone like me- and the truth is I've longed for this for years, since the first and last time that we paired together in Potions class and she threw her arms around me in casual delight as we finished the assignment perfectly, ten minutes ahead of everyone else, eyes sparkling as she declared my brilliance and my fellow house-mates snickered unkindly and I realized it would be much to dangerous to pair with her again, in so many ways-

I've dreamed of this so many nights, yearned for it, but the dreams can't begin to compare to the reality of this moment, her body pressing against mine gently, her hands twining in my hair almost tenderly as she fluidly pulls herself up off the floor and onto my lap, hand caressing my neck before she pulls back, just for a second, arches an eyebrow teasingly as she bites her lower lip, already slightly puffy from kissing- god, she's never looked more beautiful than this, hair disheveled, face slightly flushed, eyes virtually glazed over as they meet mine before she leans forward again as her tongue darts out to moisten her lips and then suddenly I can't think anymore at all.

--Lily--

I lean in to kiss him again without even thinking, oh my god, how can I be thinking when I'm totally not even breathing, when this is, without question, the best kiss I've ever experienced in my life, and I don't know if it's because he's so good at it, of if it's just because, I mean, he's Severus.

Oh god, kissing him is both exactly like I always knew it would be and nothing at all like I ever dreamed… but this moment is so much greater than me right now, I can hardly even enjoy it when I'm drowning in it, and it's nothing like any kiss I've ever had before, it's desperate and hungry and searching but at the same time it's gentle and teasing and tender and his hand is running down my spine, sending shivers through me as I press closer to him, and I know I hear myself moan as his tongue gently enters my mouth for the second time but I can't help it, oh god, I don't want to help it-

And then, before I even know what's happened he's giving a little push and I'm all too willingly falling backward onto the couch as his hand grazes over my hip and I archupward despite myself. My eyes dart open, and he's looking at me, I bet all this time he's been looking a me, god, why didn't it occur to me to look at him too when-

And, without my knowing or understanding how, the mood has shifted again, and I feel sharp regret and sadness and, somewhere, relief, as he stands up, turns away from me, leaves me shaking on the couch… but through the regret I know it had to stop then, before- before- I mean, I do love James, I do love James but- the thing is, it's different, and I-

God, we have to get back to safe territory somehow, if that concept even exists between the two of us…"Did you want to meet Harry?" I question suddenly, forcing myself back to solid ground, to a present that doesn't allow for moments of desire… where there's no time to revel in the unrequited or the exquisite even as we're dying of them as I jerk my chin toward the staircase. "James's friends come over a lot, but he still hasn't really seen any of mine."

His jaw drops and even though I know he'll never be able to express it I see the gratitude, the disbelief in his eyes, the familiar and simultaneous awe and mistrust at the word _friend_ as I marvel at how quickly the mood can change between us, and god help me, I like that too, it makes everything so much more fluid, so much more layered- and so I stand and lead him upstairs.

--Severus--

I know now that I've done what I came to know I should get out of there as quickly as possible, that it's a miracle I got here without being noticed to begin with, that it was wrong to delay even for- even for whatever that was downstairs and I will my hands to stop shaking as I try to remember that Voldemort has been having me followed for the past month and a half for reasons I don't think even he fully understands, that there are more important things than what does or does not exist between Lily and I at stake here-

And I feel anger, sharply, toward both her and myself, though for what specifically I'm not sure- but even now, looking at her, the anger is fading and I hate that about myself, despise it-

"Hey kiddo," she coos as she lifts the baby out of his crib, and as his eyes blink open I expect him to start to cry, but instead he just smiles and lets out what could only be described as a ridiculous half-giggle before kicking his legs enthusiastically. "You remember how you met Sirius and Remus and Peter? Those are daddy's best friends from Hogwarts. This is Severus and he's mine," she says easily, and before I can even digest her words, think of something suitably deprecating and cutting to say in response she's neatly dropped the child into my arms, biting her lip slightly in that way I love as she appraises us before smiling widely.

Even at this early stage I can tell he's going to look exactly like James and I briefly pity him- until his eyes flash up at me and I realize that, event thought they should be blue for at least another month, they've already turned a deep emerald green, are carbon copies of Lily's- and I feel a surge of warmth toward him before he reaches out a fist to yank on my hair and giggles in delight as he's able to pull it toward him. I look at him in what I know must be offended disbelief and Lily snorts slightly before reaching forward to disengage her son's hand, eyes meeting mine over his small body and for just one fraction of a second, as I venture a smile at her and wish I had smiled before as it causes her whole body to light up, I wonder how things could have been in a different life. In a different world-

And I'll never understand how she doesn't hate me, after everything is still looking at me with that open, trusting look, even through my guilt, even knowing I have to leave soon, that she's married, that this probably is truly the last time, at least until the war ends- if the war ever ends-

"Severus," she says softly, suddenly, coming to stand beside me and placing an imploring hand on my arm, "Come with me to Dumbledore. I-"she wavers for a moment but then meets my eyes as her voice grows stronger, "I _know_ you regret joining Voldemort. I _know_ you wish you could get out. If… recent events made this…_ clearer_… to you then I'm glad, but you've wanted it for a long time. Let me take you to the Order." She looks down for a split second. "I've told you before that we want you, but Sev, we need you. We _need_ you."

"To spy?" I question sharply, cynically, before she shoots me a knowing, almost flirty smile and murmuring softly, 

"Among other things."

And I want to laugh but it's just not an option anymore in the world that we live in and so I just turn to her, nod somberly.

"I've always thought I would make a magnificent betrayer."

Her eyes light up even more, her smile is excited and free and open even as she says sombely, "Oh Severus, never that," before gazing at me seriously. "When can you go?"

And as I look at her, standing there, at the baby, both of whom are looking me with such goddamned foolish trust, something shifts inside me slightly and I'm finally able to say what I truly have wanted to say for the past five years but been too scared to say, too disbelieving- "If you tell me where he is I'll go now,"

I hardly believe that I've said it and for a split second I feel anger at her that she got me to say it before I feel a sharp pang of relief shiver through my body and feel suddenly like I might collapse. Seeming to notice my discomfort she gently removes Harry from my arms and places him back into his crib before handing me a sheet of paper with short, neat handwriting on it.

"Read it. Memorize it," she says seriously and I do, immediately, before she takes it back from me and throws it into the fire.

"Tonight at 9. if you can. Dumbledore, James, Sirius, and I will be there." she flinches just a little bit before shrugging, "Sirius might be angry to see you, but he'll get over it."

I arch an eyebrow disbelievingly. "You think so?"

She nods definitively, saying with a gentle, "I know so," before reaching a gentle hand upward to caress my cheek for the third time today, and suddenly her smile fades as she takes a minuscule step closer. For one sharp moment I wonder what will happen, and then the moment passes and even though there will be no further resolution, not tonight, probably not ever, I can see in her eyes that even now she feels it too, the exquisite longing, the downright agony, and I say without thinking, abruptly, placing my hand over her own-

"When the war is over-" and as her eyes flash up to meet mine I know she's completely grasped my meaning and know too that it's too much to hope that she'll respond to it as she shoots me a small, uncertain smile before softly, reluctantly pulling away from me and turning to walk out of the room, once more leaving me to apparte in my own time-

And then, shocking me, she turns just as she reaches the door, and her face is an intense, exquisite blend of poorly suppressed emotions as she whispers softly but definitely, nodding just once,

"Yes. When the war is over."

--

Thank you all SO MUCH for reading. I am almost dying as I wait for the seventh book to come out tonight and reveal stuff but regardless of what happens this has all been a fun ride and I will always believe in Severus/Lily in my heart!

Comments and feedback are treasured and thanks so much for reading!


End file.
